Pumpkin carving is a simple, festive way to celebrate the arrival of autumn. And with only a handful of tools, you and your family can easily enjoy the thrill of pumpkin carving right at home. The following tutorial will provide you with step-by-step instructions down the leafy path toward a fun fall experience.

Carving The Pumpkin

What you’ll need: Pumpkin; carving tool; newspaper

STEP 1: Lay down a few sheets of newspaper. (Pumpkin carving can get messy, and this protective layer will help make cleanup a lot easier.)

STEP 2: Place your pumpkin in the center of the newspaper.

STEP 3: Use your carving tool to make incisions in the pumpkin based on the design of your choice.

STEP 4: Thick pumpkin skins can be difficult to puncture, so you may need to stab your carving tool firmly into the—

STEP 5: Oh no…

STEP 6: If you’ve accidentally stabbed yourself in the thigh with your carving tool, try to remain calm.

STEP 7: Tear sheets of newspaper out from underneath you and apply them against the geyser of blood spurting from a potentially vital artery.

STEP 8: Oh, god.

STEP 9: Oh, dear god… so much blood…

Stitching The Wound

What you’ll need: Sewing needle; disinfectant; bandage

STEP 1: Rummage around your bathroom cupboard for the items listed above, while holding the now-blood-soaked newspaper firmly against the gaping hole in your leg.

STEP 2: Where are the bandages? For the love of God, where are the bandages?

STEP 3: Sterilize the needle by dousing it with a disinfectant, such as whiskey.

STEP 4: Suture the wound while periodically rinsing it with a disinfectant, such as whiskey.

STEP 5: Awaken from your pain-induced blackout.

STEP 6: Take several hearty swigs directly from the bottle of disinfectant.

STEP 7: Stare at the unrecognizable reflection of yourself in the mirror. Ask it questions like, “Who are you?” or “How did it ever come to this?”

STEP 8: Jesus, the carpet. She’ll be home any minute. She’s going to kill you.

Cleaning The Carpet

What you’ll need: Water; hydrogen peroxide; your T-shirt

STEP 1: Rip your T-shirt from your body like Hulk Hogan while limping back toward the kitchen.

STEP 2: Soak the T-shirt in water. (Use cold water, probably.)

STEP 3: Blot the blood stains from the carpet with your damp T-shirt.

STEP 4: Try dipping a corner of the T-shirt in hydrogen peroxide because you think you read that somewhere once.

STEP 5: When that doesn’t work, start scrubbing the stain even though they always say not to do that.

STEP 6: Settle back against a wall with your bloody palms outstretched in a gesture of futility.

STEP 7: Crescendo into maniacal laughter until the front door opens.

Finalizing The Divorce

What you’ll need: Wife who never truly understood you

STEP 1: Confront your wife at the door.

STEP 2: Dismiss her objection at the sight of you half-naked and covered in blood.

STEP 3: Ask her why there are no bandages.

STEP 4: What does she mean “what bandages”?

STEP 5: Yes, you’re drunk again. Is that really important right now?

STEP 6: Just keep loudly repeating the question about bandages.

STEP 7: Let her call the cops. See if you care.

STEP 8: Storm out to the garage.

Destroying The Infernal Pumpkin That Ruined Your Life

What you’ll need: Sledgehammer; the infernal pumpkin that ruined your life

STEP 1: Retrieve the sledgehammer from your garage.

STEP 2: Think about the decisions that entrapped you in the living hell that is your existence.

STEP 3: Think about how she’s not who you thought she was, and maybe she never was.

STEP 4: Raise the sledgehammer above your head.

STEP 5: Smash the half-carved pumpkin into oblivion.

STEP 6: It’s over.

STEP 7: It’s finally over.

STEP 8: Succumb to the sweet release of death (optional).

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