“I would LOVE a glass of Pinot Grigio”
A glass of Pinot Grigio, please. But, if you bring me Riesling by mistake, I will still tip you 25%.

“She’s just a doll.”
I like her. She smiles a lot and agrees with everything I say.

“Oh my gosh, I didn’t see you there!”
Ugh. I really thought I’d gotten out of your sightline. You are painfully boring and never shut up. Talking to you makes me want to gouge my eyes out with the keys to my Camry. Please sit down and split my bran muffin.

“Those kids have a lot of energy”
MONSTERS THEY ARE MONSTERS. I have never once requested compensation for babysitting them.

“We’ve spoken a few times.”
He is either completely boring or an abhorrent excuse for a human being, but I have nothing further to say about him besides the fact that once or twice I was forced to acknowledge his existence in the form of stilted conversation. The next time I see him I will graciously hug him.

“I just am not sure that was totally appropriate”
Fuck him oh my God fuck fuck fuck him. In ten minutes I will offer him the last office bagel.

“He has a tendency to be friendly”
Bitch, run. But also make sure to still wave at him in church. We’re not animals.

“I’ll tell ________ you said hi!”
Our mutual friend is the only reason we are speaking right now. If I didn’t bring this up, you might think we were actually friends, and I can’t have that. I insist upon buying your coffee.

“I think he might be a bit in over his head”
This incompetent sloth is holding everyone back. Never in my life have I experienced such inadequacy. I become physically ill in the presence of his worthlessness. His wife is lovely and we’re having them over for dinner next week.

“Well look at you, you big city girl!”
You think you’re too good for me? You think you’re better than this town? Bullshit. This town made you and now you’ve left it and taken a big shit on your own goddamn home. Now come take a selfie with me so I can instagram about how proud I am of you.

“Well it’s a little pricey isn’t it”
Fuck this. I could make this bullshit with my own two hands and it would be way better. I don’t understand how people can actually buy this crap. I will recommend this store and item to my mother-in-law when she visits.

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Read an interview with Taylor Kay Phillips about her inspiration for writing this piece.