Welcome, everyone. Thank you for coming out today. My name is Pam Miller, but you all can call me by my proper title, Ms. Miller. I am a chemistry teacher at Southside High School in Melbourne, Florida and I have come here today to tell you about a new product that me and my fellow chemistry teachers from the public school district of Brevard County have created.
Before we get to the fun stuff, let’s talk about why we’re all here today. Why we made this product. The seed of it all. Who in this audience enjoys the television program Breaking Bad? Great. Okay.
Today I present to you a set of chemistry-themed shot glasses. We made these because we hate Bryan Cranston.
As I am sure you can come to understand, us real high school chemistry teachers just cannot live up to the bar of risk-taking that has been set for us by the man.
On Breaking Bad, Walter White makes it appear that quiet high school chemistry teachers are “cool” and “bad ass” and “cancer-fighting drug lord murderers.” We just cannot live up to that. The expectations are so high and… God, the students… they have simply stopped respecting us all together.
It’s always, “Hey Ms. Miller, that chemistry teacher on TV probably doesn’t give his students homework cause he’s so cool,” or “Hey Ms. Miller, Walter White probably doesn’t have a grade book,” or, “Hey Ms. Miller, I bet Walter White doesn’t bring Lunchables to work. God, why can’t you just freak out in class one day and then quit to start pushing drugs?! Then we’ll start respecting you. What do you mean, we have a quiz?! Have you blown a guy’s face off? No? Fuck you Ms. Miller we’re hiding all the markers so you can’t teach today and we replaced everything in your Lunchables box with the tampons we found in your purse when we were stealing your credit card!”
These are all the things that they say to me. Every day.
And I am not alone. Chemistry teachers from all over the country are up in arms. We will not stand for this anymore. The expectations to be like the “guy on TV” are too much and they have pushed us to do horrible, horrible things. I ran over my cat Mixie with my Subaru yesterday morning so I could bring the carcass to class and scream “See, kids?! I am cool!”
I have given this presentation in multiple cities so I do apologize. I usually don’t cry for that long.
In conclusion, we have banded together to create a foundation called CCT. Cool Chemistry Teachers. We are actively trying to be as cool as Bryan Cranston.
Initiative One. These chemistry-themed shot glasses that you see before you here today. They are cooky mini plastic beakers and test tubes meant to hold hard alcohol and they show that we know how to have fun.
Initiative Two. We are all going to meet up at my house and wander around the neighborhood and kill a guy. And then Demitri from fouth period will be like, “Oh, did you guys hear that Ms. Miller killed that guy?!” And then we’ll pool together the money we made from shot glass sales and all fly to the set of Breaking Bad and yell “Fuck you, Bryan Cranston!” and then we’ll all laugh and eat pizza Lunchables together.
The man has ruined my life. Please buy the chemistry shot glasses. They are quirky and they will show all of your friends that you can laugh at life. And your money will help the chemistry teachers of America murder a person so that we can finally get respect.