As everyone knows, straight men are allergic to the word “date” and will go into anaphylactic shock if they say it out loud. So they have come up with a series of code words that women won’t decipher until they’re already on a date. That’s why every date these days is a super fun trap. Here is a list of covert words and phrases men use that actually just mean “date.”
1. “Hang Out/Chill”
This is the most popular and least creative secret date phrase. Most women know about it by now, because this was our initiation into the world of secret dates. Fun! This is also a great way to say “I want to have sex with you but I also don’t want to leave my couch or clean frito crumbs off my couch.”
2. “Writing/Acting/Drawing Sesh”
Do you and this man share a passion, job or hobby? Well guess what? You don’t! Either he’s not actually into what you’re into or he doesn’t see you as a peer, because you have breasts. This is a date. Watch as he turns every improv scene into an excuse to grab those breasts! Yep, that’s what a “date” looks like to Brian! (Fun Game: Actually make him work on his craft and give real, constructive notes. He’ll hate it.)
3. “Help You Move”
As every straight guy knows, sex is a dry, logical exchange. Put enough time and work in and you are automatically owed sex. That’s why “I can help you move!” means “I am treating you like a vending machine and here is my dollar.” (Fun tip: Actually make him help you move and then say, “Bye, thanks for the help!”)
4. “Court-Appointed Community Service”
Failed to pay parking tickets? Vandalized Brian’s home after your improv date? Judge Galveston sentences you to 100 hours of romance. Pick up trash as your court appointed supervisor tries to pick you up. This sort of secret date is extra special because you are legally required to go on it. Watch him fumble through situationally inappropriate pickup lines like “So… come here often?” It’s like two punishments in one!
5. “AA Meeting”
Now we’ve all heard those “bylaws” and “community guidelines” that say you shouldn’t date your sponsor, or even someone who goes to the same meetings. But you know who hasn’t heard those bylaws? Every. Man. Ever. This is a unique kind of secret date because this guy literally knows all your secrets. Healthy!
6. “Aunt Gladys’ Funeral”
The relative who invited you to “share a ride” to Aunt Gladys’ funeral is related to you by marriage, and he repeats that fact a half-dozen times during the trip. Guess what? This funeral is a date! “Cousin” Alvin thinks the perfect time to make a move is when you’re mourning, surrounded by mutual family members. Good luck rejecting him without “making a scene.” Ugh.
Remember, this is just a small list of words and phrases that secretly mean “date.” There are countless others yet to be discovered. But this brings us one step closer to decoding this super mysterious man language. Someday, we’ll know what means “date” and what doesn’t. But until that day, just treat every interaction with a straight guy like he thinks it’s romantic. It’s just easier.