To: All medical staff
A recent incident in one of our delivery rooms has raised questions not just of hospital procedure but of medical ethics. On February 24th, 1950, a baby boy was born to a Mr. and Mrs. Thorogood of Wilmington, Delaware. Several nurses assisted in the birth and as Head Nurse, I was on duty as well. After the boy had been cleaned and his vitals were checked, I noted that the nurses formed a tight circle around the baby and stared at him in a manner I could only describe as slack-jawed and doe-eyed. Recognizing this behavior, I took immediate action and ordered the newborn to be left alone. I could tell right away that he was born with a genetically anomalous condition commonly known in medical journals as Bad To The Bone. I acted in order to protect the safety of the nursing staff.
Bad To The Bone (BTTB) is an extraordinarily rare condition and the nurses were understandably shocked to hear that a newborn with it should be denied care. I assure you it is the best course of action. Sadly, Nurse Mosconi was unable to keep away from the baby and within seconds her heart was broken. And I don’t mean that in the emotional sense, she literally suffered a ruptured ventricle and had to be taken to intensive care (she’s recovering but will be working in geriatrics upon her return). Sadly, her heart will surely not be the first to be broken by the baby, who I believe is to be named George.
Although the patient himself is not adversely affected (aside from a mild stutter) by the condition, women with whom he comes in contact suffer greatly. Indeed, over the course of his life, George Thorogood is expected to cause major cardiac emergencies in approximately eighteen hundred to twenty-two hundred women. They may experience anything from ischemic cardiomyopathy to aortic valve stenosis to ventricular hypertrophy, all forms of “broken heart.” Additionally, several psychological effects have been documented: begging, blushing, squealing, and kleptomania.
State law will not permit boys with BTTB to be kept in protective custody, unfortunately. Government officials and visiting heads of state are kept aware of any BTTB patient’s presence and guided through evasive maneuvers. The general public, however, remains at risk. Therefore, there are several protocols in place to identify, isolate, humiliate, and shame BTTB patients, all in the interest of protecting potential victims. George will be issued an electric guitar by the state of Delaware and forced to become a musician. He will then be required to sing songs that mark him as being Bad To The Bone and describe the threat that he poses. If he forms a band, the name of that band will be mandated to sound destructive and threatening (“Wreckers,” “Destructors,” I’m just brainstorming here). Ideally, the music will be kind of grating and somewhat overplayed.
A final warning, should you encounter someone who is BTTB: they are both charming and desperately lonely. He may say he wants to be yours and yours alone. Don’t give in. Unless you want a massive crack in all four chambers, that is.
I hope this clears things up and I hope that all babies born Bad To The Bone in the future at our hospital will be summarily isolated and shunned. Goddamn you, newborn baby George Thorogood.