Dear Wealthy White Lady Named Jessah, Olive, or Khethany —

My name is Max Bisantz and I am applying for the position of ghostwriter at your lifestyle blog. As lead copywriter of an e-commerce website, I understand the importance of alienating your consumer. My knowledge of SEO, metadata, and refurbished drawer-pulls enables me to pad your daddy’s offshore investments while maintaining a net worth of flax seeds. I exhibit a liberal understanding of the English language and use the following words interchangeably:

  • bespoke
  • artisanal
  • organic
  • fair trade

I also know twelve cute ways to rock a denim romper.

Prior to my work as a corporate bullshitter, I attended Sarah Lawrence College with a double major in Creative Writing and Taking the Time to Watch the Sun Rise. An internship with Catcher PR readied me for the global marketplace, including Ibiza, which you simply must visit this time of year. I participated in a study abroad program consisting of holistic yoga and cherishing the friendships in my life. I understand the link between gluten and childhood autism.

Attached I have included four samples of my product copy, each representing a top-selling item for basic bitches aged 18-40. They are as follows:

  • “Mason Jar”
  • “Miniature Mason Jar”
  • “Refurbished Mason Jar”
  • “Jar for a man named Mason and/or affiliates of the Masonic Temple”

I have also taken the time to brainstorm a few name suggestions for your currently untitled website. They include:

  • Breath
  • Breaths
  • Truth
  • Truths
  • Hope
  • Faith
  • Doubt
  • Misery
  • Loop
  • Koop
  • Noop
  • Zoop
  • Helter Skelter
  • Inspiralovedication

Please feel free to contact me day or night on my new iPhone 6 with brushed leather carrying case (priced $399 at Neiman Marcus or available for purchase at I look forward to speaking with you further about the “job.” Until then, I will be wrapped demurely in a cashmere sweater staring at the shoreline and focusing on my breath.

Max Bisantz