If your oxygen levels are depleted, will you consent to supplemental oxygen via nasal tubing? If you’re acting like a dog in a cone and do not understand what is going on, because of your depleted oxygenation status, do you give permission to repeatedly replace the nasal tubing and/or tape it to your bluish face?

Do you consent to be screamed at for the duration of your stay, as high-pressure oxygen flow is very noisy and all staff will be wearing speech-muffling masks to protect themselves from your shallow, contaminated breath?

In the event of rapidly dropping oxygenation, do you consent to the use of high-flow-oxygen nasal tubing that will make you feel as though you have just jumped out of a plane and will probably push food and/or drink into your airway, likely resulting in further deoxygenation events?

Should oxygenation continue to fail, do you consent to the BiPap method of O2 delivery that will require a mask strapped to your face Hannibal Lecter-style?

If you agree to the above, do you consent to the placement of a temporary feeding tube being shoved up your nose?

If you do not consent to the feeding tube, do you consent to starving to death as there is really no other way for you to eat or drink safely once your oxygen needs are so high?

If you don’t give consent to the feeding tube or starving to death, do you consent to forced feeding, since you most certainly will not feel at all like eating or drinking once your body is solely focused on breathing?

If you consent to forced feeding, then please be aware that you are simultaneously consenting to further depletion of oxygen, since the effort of eating and drinking will tax your already minimal energy reserve.

If you are incapable of leaving the bed for urination or defecation, do you consent to strangers manhandling you repeatedly to remove clothing, aggressively wipe you with cold washcloths, and reposition you to prevent bedsores?

If you develop bedsores, do you consent to medical specialists discussing your putrid smell when they think that you cannot hear them, because of your delirious state, the masks, and the constant deafening psssssssshhhhhh of pressurized O2?

In the event of life-threatening blood clots, do you consent to cerebral thrombectomy and/or limb amputation?

In the event of dried oral secretions, do you consent to third-party oral excavation using a plastic suction device without sedation?

If you are placed on a ventilator due to rapidly declining multi-organ function, do you consent to whatever thundering external machinery is necessary to try and maintain future organ function?

If you agree to the above, do you consent to multiple large-bore IV lines being placed in various parts of your body, which will further restrict comfortable body movement?

If you consent to being placed on a ventilator, please understand that means you also consent to having a team of six staff members intermittently flip you like a rag doll to put you in proning position despite being hooked up to multiple lines, including one that reaches deep into your trachea.

If you consent to proning, please understand you are simultaneously agreeing to a lifetime of “crook in the neck” syndrome that results from being in prone position on a hospital bed that does not have a massage-table face hold.

If by some miracle you are able to tolerate extubation and come off the ventilator, do you consent to months and months of rehabilitation therapy to help you relearn how to hold up your head, sit up, stand up, eat, drink, talk, and think?

If you do NOT consent to any of the above, then, please, get the FUCKING vaccine.