I can’t thank you all enough for coming out tonight. A special thank you to Rick from Java Rick’s for closing early tonight. Please enjoy some day-old pastries and coffee.

When I first thought of writing my memoir, my sister said that the world needed the musings of a single 37-year-old woman who lives with her parents like it needed a nuclear holocaust. And she was right: words are explosive.

This has been a journey of a lifetime for me. This book took me six years to plan to write, and two solid weeks to write. A huge thanks to my parents for providing me with all the materials to print my tome. My dad wants me to ask whoever has the copy printed on the back of his tax documents to please black out his social security number. Thanks, guys.

Wow, I’m sorry. I just can’t believe this day has come. To every English teacher that said my writing made them wish Fahrenheit 451 was real, look at me now. To every agent and publisher who turned me down, ignored me or told me that five chapters on the sleeping patterns of my cats was psychotic, you only made me stronger. To Barnes & Noble, who arrested me for trying to place my book on their shelves, I’ll see you in court on the 28th.

Since I painstakingly edited the final manuscript down to 800 pages, tonight I’m going to read from the 300 pages I cut out. Don’t worry, Janine, I know have to leave by 8 pm to make visiting hours at the hospital… I’m not reading it all. I’ll just read the first 250. Janine, you’re crying. Was it chapter 75? That was where I really felt I spread my literary wings. Let’s start on Chapter 83 then: “Mr. Furrley, Afternoon Napper.”

Rick, if you don’t mind sweeping up later, we might want to put on a couple of fresh pots.

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Rupinder Gill’s new memoir, On The Outside Looking Indian, is available for purchase at your local bookseller. She assures us that it is far less than 800 pages.