Vice President Cheney, Mr. Chief Justice, President Carter, President Bush, President Clinton, reverend clergy, distinguished guests, fellow-citizens, weird little purple elephant guy that I’m hallucinating:

On this day, prescribed by law and marked by ceremony, we celebrate the durable wisdom of our Constitution, and recall the deep commitments that unite our country.


Sorry, but man, I am totally high right now. If you are watching this at home, put on some Floyd and spark one, because I’m about to blow your mind.

I am grateful for the honor of this hour, mindful of the consequential times in which we live, and determined to get a snack when this shit is done. You know what would be good right now? Some Cheetos. Or one of those Sno Balls. Those little pink Hostess guys? Does anybody have any snacks with them? I can eat and talk. Oh crap, Laura’s looking at me with those fire eyes. C’mon, give me a hug. No? OK.

Anyway, at this second gathering, our duties are defined not by the words I use, but by the history we have seen together. For a half century, America defended our own freedom by standing watch on distant borders. After the shipwreck of Communism came—wait, has anybody seen Hunt for Red October? That is one of my favorite movies. Where is Sean Connery from, anyway? I thought he was English but then he’s got like this weird accent in his voice. Did you see Entrapment? I’d like to see Catherine Zeta-Jones in the Oval Office, if you know what I mean. Crap, Laura’s going to make me go back to Promise Keepers. I just know it.

We have seen our vulnerability—like last night I figured out that I can’t put my hand through a bulletproof window. Rumsfeld dared me to try, but it’s impossible, even on PCP.

So what am I trying to say here? I guess I just want the American people to know that I’ve had a totally awesome time with you guys. Is it cool if I sit?

(The president sits.)

Whew! That’s better. My feet felt weird, like cold and hot at the same time. Does anybody else hear a gong? No? OK, Elephant Guy heard it, anybody else hear it? Anyway, like I was saying, the last four years have been a fucking blast. Yeah, we had some awkward moments, like when I accidentally said, “Bring it on.” That was a major party foul. And I totally kicked the keg as far as the budget goes. But don’t forget all the laughs we had. Like when I choked on that pretzel, and when I dropped that dog, and remember, oh man, when I was reading that book about that goat. There are some things you don’t want on camera!

I guess I felt really sad when I thought I might lose the election, because those four years just flew by. So I’m so fucking psyched that we are all going to hang out for four more years. So, I guess, you know, I love you guys. So let’s just keep rocking for the next four, OK? Promise me we’ll party, OK? Cool.

(The president stands.)

Now I gotta get out of here because I’m meeting my connection on the East Lawn, then we’re gonna go look at the fractal posters I put up in the Lincoln bedroom.

Oh, and I was just kidding about thinking I would lose the election. My family and I will kill and eat anyone who stands in our way. Peace! I’m out.