Gang Name

Let’s start with what you and your “homies” call yourselves. It needs to be something tough. Menacing. For example, “Crips,” “Bloods,” “the Latin Kings”—all “badass.” Your name, “the Wildflower Estates Mafia,” while geographically accurate, doesn’t exactly make one grab one’s purse and blow one’s rape whistle. I know you’re creative, Jeremy. Remember when you spray-painted “NOT A MILF” on my fence? Use that great imagination of yours and come up with a name that’s just a bit more intimidating. My husband suggests “the Future Cell Bitches of America.”

Gang Colors/Uniforms

Each gang needs to have its own special color so they know who to shoot. Unfortunately, most of the butch colors, like red, blue, and black, have already been taken by the big names. But here’s an idea: chartreuse. Subtle, yet powerful and unexpected at the same time. You might like it. (I know your mom does.) And regarding outfits, I just have one note: Gang bangers usually wear only one simple, well-placed bandanna on their bodies—not soccer uniforms with their last names on the back. Think, Jeremy.

Gang Activity

Thus far, you and the other little shits have caused quite the ruckus in our cul-de-sac. But it’s time to think big picture. What if the Crips had been content to just smash birdhouses and smear dog turds on garden gnomes? Or what if, instead of inventing the drive-by shooting, they’d been happy just decapitating decorative snowmen during the holidays? Where would America’s crack epidemic be then, Jeremy? You’re in middle school now. Time to get organized and up the ante. I think this could be the year your larcenies make the move from petty to grand. You guys just need to apply yourselves.

Gang Power

As a very famous Italian drug kingpin once said, first you get the money, then you get the power. (Then, allegedly, you get the women, but, trust me, you and the rest of the Acne Brigade are not ready for that. Wait until your voices change and your pubes sprout.) Gang Power 101 is simple economics. Find out what people want, sell it to them, then, boom, you’re controlling the subdivision before you hit the ninth grade. However, for this to work, you’ve got to know your market. Look around. Your bedroom closets should be just crammed full of cases of Chardonnay, diet pills, and illegal Botox. Get rich or die tryin’, G-Unit.

Gang Signs

Gangstas like to flash “hand signs” to each other to identify themselves. Usually, these signs are a few fingers on each hand held in various poses. Not a lone middle finger raised every time they see their neighbor at the mailbox. You’re not fooling anyone, mister.

Gangsta Style

West Coast gangsters started the baggy-pants trend because they needed a place to hide their semiautomatic weapons. Since your weapons of choice are urine-filled squirt guns, you could probably get by with normal-people pants. Or maybe invest in a nice leather belt. If you want people to take you seriously as a leader, perhaps it’s time to put the ass crack away.

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I hope this helps your gang get “mad power,” Jeremy. I wish you and your posse lots of luck. And remember, the homeowners association doesn’t need to know anything about those little smelly plants you found under my deck.