Setting: My townhouse in the Village.
MADONNA: Happy Passover!
JAY-Z: I hope Cristal will do. Mendy’s Kosher Mart was out of Mogen David.
MADONNA: Dear, the children have prepared the questions for you.
ROCCO: Ahem: Father, we have some notes, and we look forward to your feedback.
LOURDES: Why is it that on this night we eat matzo, though on all other nights we eat either sushi or just plain water?
GUY: The matzo is to remind us of when we were wandering in the desert and the only food left in the van was carbs.
MADONNA: Our bosom grew large while our hair grew long, but it wasn’t worth it.
LINDSAY: Why on this night do we drink not one but fourteen cups of wine?
LOURDES: Papa, will you tell us the story of the exodus?
GUY: My father was a fugitive Aramean …
MADONNA: Let’s not get into why he was a fugitive. The point is, we were lured into Egypt with great promises.
GUY: “You will be supported”; “You will get points”: These were the promises with which they promised us things. But when we arrived the Egyptians worked us with hard work.
LINDSAY: Hey, I asked a fucking question here!
MADONNA: The Egyptians treated us cruelly.
GUY: They criticized our dialogue-writing with criticism.
MADONNA: The urchins in the street did not know who we were, and when we asked them to help us flee to a Four Seasons, they threw stones.
GUY: So the Lord sent down an agent called Moses—
LOURDES: Which one?
GUY: And Moses said, “Let my people go.”
MADONNA: The Pharaoh replied, “My people will talk with your people.” So we waited. We petitioned again, but he would not respond to our petitions.
JAY-Z: At best, we would get through to the Pharaoh’s page.
MADONNA: That Cushite flake. So, finally—
GUY: Blood, fire, and pillars of smoke!
MADONNA: Thank you, Guy. The Lord brought the plagues upon Egypt.
GUY: Are we up to the plagues now?
JAY-Z: Then God brought lice upon the people.
GUY: Though some rabbis say it was just Gabriel, the backup dancer.
MADONNA: Finally, the Lord came and dealt with everyone’s pilots: their firstborn, if you will.
GUY: To stand out from the Egyptians, I had a revelation to use real sheep’s blood in our paint. Crazy, I know, but, at the same time, it worked.
MADONNA: When the agents saw the blood, they got excited and passed over everyone else’s projects.
JAY-Z: And the Lord said, “I shall lead you into Israel, where you will be crossover sensations.”
GUY: And that Revolver had been unfairly panned.
MADONNA: Lourdes darling, come to the door so we may greet Elijah.
ME: What’s the matter, Uncle Bono?
BONO: I wish that everyone in the world could afford to have Elijah Wood flown in for the holidays.
JAY-Z: Bono, will you lead the singing? I’ll just talk over you if that’s OK.
BONO: Very well. This is not a protest song: this is “One Kid for Two Zuzim.”
ALL: Jerusalem in ’09!