Please avert your eyes, underachiever coming through! I’m in Group 4. Yup, last ones to board, the dregs.

I see you’re already settled in. That mimosa looks good. I’m sorry you have to endure this parade of unwashed, ne’er-do-wells. Are those Bose headphones? Nice. That should help drown out the din of us commoners squabbling for overhead space like surly sea lions jockeying for space on a crowded beach.

Uh-oh, seems to be a little bit of a delay here. Sorry, you’re going to have to endure this spectacle a little longer. Why can’t they find a way for us to board from the back of the plane and spare you this indignity? I must say you’re handling this very well. That’s class. And maybe Ambien or Xanax.

Oh no, this woman in front of me has brought McDonalds on the plane! This is beyond the pale, even for coach. I hope she’s not in Row 32. Not that it matters. The smell of her double cheeseburger has already permeated the entire cabin.

Is it any wonder you hate us?

Well, hang in there. We’ll all be behind that curtain soon and some sense of decorum will be restored. I saw a flight attendant preparing freshly baked chocolate chip cookies for you guys! Once we leave she’ll set you up.

That’s right, keep staring at your laptop. Don’t make eye contact. I understand. Take heart, this sad cavalcade of slack-jawed, sweatpants-wearing rabble will soon be buckled-in out of sight. Your forbearance is most appreciated.

Ah! It looks like we’re moving again. Well, goodbye! Have a nice flight. We won’t be seeing each other again. You’ll all be long gone by the time I get off the plane. You’ll probably be meeting one of those guys holding a sign with your name on it. Well done! I walk past them all the time on my way to the Budget Rent-A-Car Courtesy Shuttle.

So long — and sorry for walking past you!