“Scientists and sailors say orcas, also known as killer whales, are stepping up ‘attacks’ on yachts along Europe’s Iberian coast, with one skipper who’s been pursued by the marine mammals on two separate occasions suggesting that their tactics are becoming more stealthy.” — NPR

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Congratulations, seafarer. You’ve taken a crucial step in protecting your already excessively costly and least reliable asset by investing in supplemental yacht insurance for orca revenge attacks.

In these uncertain times and unfamiliar waters, it’s prudent to hold on to what’s important: being rich, listening to Seals & Crofts, and acting with complete disregard for the world around you.

That’s why we at Sons of Ahab Insurance are proud to provide comprehensive yacht coverage designed to keep you afloat—come whale or high water. Here’s what’s included with the orca attack supplemental package:

Capsize coverage. In the event that your vessel is capsized via a killer whale rampage, we will reimburse you for the cost of any items lost or damaged at sea (exclusions apply to items ingested by a whale).

Medical costs reimbursement. Should you, a family member, or a member of your second secret family sustain injuries related to an orca attack on board, you will be entitled to reimbursement of all medical costs plus a free harpoon.

Death addendum. In the event you are killed in an orca-related yacht wreck, we will ensure everyone knows you had a yacht. We will also launch a complimentary smear campaign against the orca, where available.

Liability coverage. If an orca is traumatized by impact with your yacht, then purposefully impacts another yacht, you will not be held responsible for damages—either to the yacht or the orca. Likewise, you will not be liable for yacht attacks (or other forms of orcanized crime) committed by orcas who were recruited—or otherwise emotionally rallied—by that first orca.

Litigation retainer. We will pay for you to take a whale to court. We do not give a fuck.

Additionally, the orca attack supplemental package includes your choice of preventive add-ons to help reduce your chances of said maritime encounters:

Anti-whale sounds. This eight-hour whale sounds compilation replayed at three times the normal speed allows your yacht to simulate an absolutely unhinged whale personality.

On-site representative. Only our oldest, surliest agents are eligible for this role, which involves muttering alone on your yacht’s deck and scanning the seas for whale activity all night.

Sons of Ahab Insurance is committed to protecting those with the means to protect themselves. Whether you’re a seasoned seaman or just getting started, we’ll help you feel secure in your surroundings by maintaining your complete control over them.

And if that means continued endangerment of the lives and livelihoods of whales, well, any port in a storm, right?