“We are turning our only home into an uninhabitable hell for millions of people.” —United Nations

“Record-setting heat wave shows that climate change is creating hell on Earth” —Los Angeles Times

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Dear People of Earth (i.e., Future Residents of Hell),

Where do you get off with such baseless slander? When it comes to climate, we Hell-people are doing great compared with you. Before belittling us in your “memos,” please learn from us. We’ve been low carbon since the Fall of Man.

When God gave Satan the keys to Hell, it was a temperate 239.4 degrees—the melting point of brimstone. After the Adam and Eve debacle, we experienced relentless population growth from people who died in their sins. Our core temperature rose, and the human souls began to melt too quickly. We realized that if we didn’t take dramatic and coordinated action, our fiery lakes would dry up and we’d be left like Earth, with a climate in disrepair and a patchwork of piteous policy proposals.

While Earth has been busy wrecking its climate, Hell has transformed into a super-progressive climate-investment landscape. We’ve taken a bold stance on clean energy, and seen tremendous positive spillovers for our torture program. Our recent infrastructure bill includes earmarks for Satan-themed e-scooters, hydro dams that run on human tears, and an apparatus that crushes people with their unrinsed yogurt containers.

Given the complicated nature of our time horizon (i.e., eternity), our goal has been to ensure that all unquenchable fires run on a mix of clean, renewable, and zero-emission energy sources.

We’ve taken a pro-science approach and enlisted the same guy that invented chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs—yes, he’s here) to help us figure out how the monsters from Monsters, Inc. bottled screams and used them for energy. Eighty percent of our public transportation is now fueled by human terror. We run people over with buses and use their pain to power more buses. We call it a virtuous cycle, and we now burn more souls for longer eternities than ever before.

We also have paper straws.

Taking action on climate is obvious, but judging by the most recent Hell census, you people haven’t gotten the message. We’ve noticed that more and more of your corruptible flesh is getting sent here for environmental neglect, and frankly, we’re having trouble supporting the near-constant stream of Earth’s climate-hating souls. The only thing threatening our progress is you.

So please, my virtuous pagans, sort your damn(ed) recyclables, put an end to food that relies on massive fields of farting cows, and please, please, stop encouraging your billionaires to burn rocket fuel as a way to manage their insecurities. Or don’t, whatever, just please don’t cry in anguish when you get here and we turn your self-interest into an anthropomorphic demon beast that chases you forever with a wind-powered spike-torture machine.

We may be evil, but we’re not stupid, and we’re baffled that Earth’s leaders cannot govern with our same clarity of conscience. Ignoring your climate is not how you become more like Hell. Taking care of your climate is how you become more like Hell.

Thank you,
VP of Climate

P.S. There is a tenth circle of Hell, and it’s just Satan in a Whole Foods uniform asking you over and over, in a passive-aggressive whisper, “Did you bring your own bags?”

P.S.S. You didn’t. See you soon.