Actually Heard:

“You all got legs, help a brother with one leg out.”

“Come on man, that’s my head you’re hitting.”

“Merry fucking Christmas.”

“Two Dura-gizers, one dollar.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, I am a blind accordian-playeer. I am here to entertain you on the train.”

“Jesus Christ is the redeemer, let him redeem you with his Christ-liness, Jesus he will. Yes.”

“Excuse me, can I sit there? I’m going to ralph.”

“I love SubTalk, ’cause I get to see all those poet guys and stuff.”

“I’m on Fifth Avenue. That noise in the background? No, that’s just some guy with a loudspeaker.”

- - -

Never Heard:

“When I sneeze I will aim my nose at my own jacket so as to spare you a sticky mess.”

“No, that was definitely me. I will remove myself from your presence at the very next stop.”

“I’m sorry that I’m brushing up against you; I do not want you, and if I could put my ass anywhere else, trust me, I would.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, hold on tight; there’s a train ahead and we’re bustin’ on through.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be cleaning this up as soon as I’m done.”

“Mommy, can I be quiet now?”