God came to Adam and Eve and said that one of them would have to bear children. Adam puffed his chest out and answered in a tone of cocky confidence that will eventually come naturally to all average white men, “Obviously, I’ll do it. I mean, look at me. I’m amazing.”
God was like, “Cool, I don’t care who does it, just one of you has to. The other will be there for moral support, but really doesn’t need to do much. In fact, you can even just abandon your partner and the baby if you want without too much emotional or physical turmoil.”
“Sweet,” Eve said. “I mean, I’d never do that because I’m a woman and we’re the shit, but it’s nice to know that I wouldn’t have to be responsible for my decisions if I were to make a mistake or something. I could just leave it on him. Nice.”
God nodded, wondering if this “free will” thing might get exhausting for all parties. It then sat Eve and Adam down and started a slideshow about the process of bearing children.
Around the time God started listing all the possible side effects of the first trimester, Adam became uneasy.
“Hey, God?” Adam asked.
“So, after the morning throwing up and the general unease, it gets easier, right?”
“No. It gets harder.”
“Oh. And all this time, Eve would be feeling…?”
“Fine. She’d be fine. Nothing would change for her at all.”
“Why? Do you want to change your mind here?”
“No. Of course not. I beat Eve in an arm-wrestling competition, so I’m obviously the stronger sex. I’ll do it.”
“Great. Whatever. Now in these next series of slides, you’ll see the fetus repeatedly kicking the host’s bladder.”
Adam moaned. His face was completely green.
“Adam,” God said. “I haven’t even gotten to the part when the baby comes out yet.”
At this point, Eve, who had been chill throughout this whole thing, chimed in.
“We can switch if you want,” she offered.
Adam shook his head adamantly.
“No! I’m doing it. You couldn’t handle all of this. You’re too weak,” he repeated more for himself than for anyone else.
“Whatever,” she replied, wondering whether his genitalia will really be the only male genitalia she would get to see in her entire existence.
“Can I continue now? Do you mind?” God said as sarcastically as It could muster.
“Now this…is what I’m tentatively calling ‘birth.’ It’s a miraculous process in which a human actually exits from…”
Before God could continue, Adam rose from his chair, puked, and keeled over.
Eve rolled her eyes. “Oh, Christ. I’ll just fucking do it.”
God nodded and said, “I had a feeling this might happen. Because this is pretty rough, I’ll give you the ability to have multiple orgasms.”
“Multiple whats?” Eve replied.
“You know… when you and Adam rub bits…”
“That weird noise he makes after his nose gets all stuffy and he grunts like a pig for a minute or so then passes out? I don’t need that.”
“Wait, you’ve never had an orgasm?”
“I don’t think so. Not like his, at least.”
“Yours aren’t like his.” God leaned in, whispering again. “They’re better.”
“I’ll give you the ability to have a bunch of them in a row and a lot of ways to do it.”
“But Adam can’t even find one way to do it.”
“You can do it yourself.”
“Or find a partner who can do it for you. Or both.”
“How do I do that? I’m stuck here with him. You said so yourself.”
“Not if you disobey me. Then you can go to Earth and experience a whole bunch of partners.”
“But all I know is obedience to you. Name one thing I can do that’s disobedient in this whole freaking paradise.”
“You could eat an apple.”
“That’s it? For one bite of apple, I get the chance to experience an orgasm…”
“…multiple orgasms from a man that’s not Adam?”
“Or a woman. Or really anyone you want.”
“I… WHAT AM I WAITING FOR?”
And Eve grabbed the apple and chowed down on it. Then God winked and cast them out of the Garden.