“Rudolph W. Giuliani, the former New York City mayor and longtime friend of President Trump, will join the president’s legal team in an effort to ‘quickly’ resolve the special counsel investigation into Russian election interference and possible ties to Trump associates.” — New York Times, April 19, 2018

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Wow. What a grueling set of meetings with our society’s premier legal mind, Rudolph W. Giuliani. I am absolutely rattled. Before I entered that negotiation room, I had a bounty of physical evidence and guilty pleas. I worked tirelessly for months to gather the damning information necessary to issue court-ordered indictments against individuals in President Trump’s inner circle. The Special Counsel investigation was a home run. It almost felt as if these people wanted to be caught.

But then, I stumbled into the intellectual buzzsaw known as Rudy Giuliani and everything collapsed around me. Despite all the evidence on my side, America’s Mayor entered the arena and bested me at my own game. Now I, Robert Mueller, must end my inquiry into potential collusion between Russia and the Trump Campaign. I have been defeated by a stronger and more cunning opponent. This was clearly no longer the same man who sued New York magazine in 1997 over their bus ad mentioning his name and proceeded to embarrassingly lose in court, like a big idiot.

Mr. Giuliani came into our negotiations red-hot. By that, I mean his face was completely red and he was sweating profusely. I presented him with a coherent and exhaustive set of reasons why I would not be shutting down my investigation. As I had done in my previous discussions with members of President Trump’s legal team, I detailed the publicly available scope of my investigation and reiterated the fact that I had already secured several guilty pleas from key members of the president’s campaign. There was no way I was concluding my investigation when I had so many obvious paper trails in my crosshairs.

It was then that the Aristotle of our time delivered such a compelling argument that I immediately declared the Trump campaign innocent of any wrongdoing and lit all of my paperwork and evidence on fire. Sometimes you have to give credit where credit is due: Rudy Giuliani is a titan of legal scholarship. He may be a bumbling oaf who couldn’t secure a spot in Trump’s administration even after selling his soul and becoming the president’s mindless yes-man. And sure, Rudy still insists the stop-and-frisk program is worthwhile even though every single piece of credible data says otherwise. On top of everything, Rudy was himself under investigation because of his countless ties to Russia and his role in the Trump campaign. But, this is clearly the kind of man who can simply march into my office and convince me to end my investigation.

Folks, I’m as surprised as you are. I really hadn’t considered that President Trump may have such a powerful secret weapon in his corner. This investigation was as good as over before the Rocky theme song started playing and Rudy Giuliani kicked down my office door. I guess it’s time to wipe our hands of this whole Russian collusion thing and move on with our lives. And it’s all thanks to Rudy Giuliani, the only man desperate enough to take the gig that every other lawyer in America turned down.