Well, obviously no one wants genital herpes, but look at all those people in the Valtrex ads. They’re really hot and seem to be having a blast.

Just something to think about.

- - -

OK, yes, crabs suck, but think of the silver lining. A good reason to get all new sheets! (And, seriously, who owns flannel Star Wars sheets past the age of 11? Frankly, this might just be the “It’s time to grow up” wake-up call you’ve needed for a while. So, you’re welcome.)

- - -

FYI—You might have been exposed to scabies.

I’m not saying it’s karma, but maybe next time you’ll reach for the check.

- - -

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?


- - -

It is with great regret that I must inform you that you might have been exposed to syphilis. It is with even greater regret, as it appears that this e-mail should have been sent a few months ago.

But you know how it is. Work’s been crazy busy. There was that conference in Phoenix. And the Anderson account. And then with the holidays on top of it all? Forget about it.

Anyway, here you go.

P.S. If this message seems blurry to you at all, you should probably get moving on this.

- - -

OMG!!! Herpes. =(

- - -

Just a tip. You might have been exposed to crabs recently.

Most probably from using a public restroom and not from that cute guy in marketing you went out with last week who is very hygienic. And who’s really into you.

No, definitely not from him.

- - -

To Whom It May Concern:

Gonorrhea is defined as a sexually transmitted disease caused by a type of bacteria called Neisseria gonorrhoeae. Gonorrhea can be transmitted to both male and female partners during vaginal, anal, and oral sex from a partner infected in his or her throat, vagina, urethra, or anus. Gonorrheal infections are fully curable with antibiotics.

See? That’s not so scary.