“A new personal finance trend has TikTok users recommending humorous new ways to rethink their spending habits. We’ve all justified unnecessary purchases before, but now social media has labeled the habit as ‘girl math.’” — CBS News
US Government Math
If you run out of money, print more.
Hollywood CEO Math
If you spend $50 million on one film starring Timothée Chalamet and use AI to replicate his likeness in perpetuity, you really spent only one dollar per hair flip. If you use AI to write the movies, too, they’re practically free, and you can buy yourself a bigger yacht.
Crypto Bro Math
The more dates you spend mansplaining how crypto works, the more your DoucheCoin is worth.
If your flight is delayed five hours, you owe us an extra two hundred dollars.
Insurance Company Math
If a patient has insurance, the actual cost of a lifesaving medical procedure is doubled. If the patient didn’t stop in the middle of a heart attack and spent twelve hours on hold to get approval, quadruple it.
No, I’m not giving you more money. You’re thirty-five.
Since you didn’t give me a grandchild at age twenty-eight, you owe two more in interest at thirty-five.
Justice Clarence Thomas Math
If you accept free luxury vacations and rides on private jets and superyachts courtesy of a real estate billionaire who also happens to be a Republican donor, and you don’t disclose them, then they don’t exist.
Facebook Friend Trying to Get You to Join a Pyramid Scheme Math
If you don’t purchase a dozen boxes of my cancer-curing shampoo and also sign up to sell this heart-disease-curing conditioner to all of your Facebook friends, you will be dirt-poor forever.
If you take the iPad from the dining room table when you’re supposed to be asleep, and then keep clicking on the little picture of the iPad on the iPad, in two to three days, more iPads will show up at the door for free.
American Tourist Math
Euros aren’t real.
If you buy one nosebleed ticket to see Taylor Swift in Columbus, Ohio, we have every right to charge you as if you bought a ticket to a private concert with Taylor Swift in Buckingham Palace. Plus eighty-seven different fees.
Republican Representative Math
Government spending is out of control. Unless I need something.
New York Jets Math
If you sign a two-year contract with Aaron Rogers and then he suffers a devastating injury in the first ninety-four seconds of the first game, you didn’t actually lose $75 million, because the twenty-four beers every fan will buy to drown their dashed hopes will recoup profits.
Elon Musk Math
If you buy one social media company for $44 billion and allow right-wing neo-Nazis to flood the platform with hate speech and propaganda, causing ad revenue to plummet, you’re obviously the victim, and the ADL owes you a rocket ship.
I haven’t been a girl since 2003.