It says “Twinkles Pony Star” on the sign-in sheet. Is that your legal name?
Miss, this is a pretty small office, but I was able to fit two chairs in here, so if you wouldn’t mind sitting in one and not dangling from the window ledge. The breeze is really nice, but, it’s just, that we’re on the fourth floor and the wind keeps blowing the papers off my desk, so… thank you.
Do you have an ID? I’ll just copy your name down from there. OK… Jennifer, ha, right, I figured “Twinkles” was a joke, but you don’t want to assume things. Yesterday I had a woman in here named Candance, and I figured the second “n” was a typo but it WASN’T! A lot of this is pretty self-explanatory. We’ll get you out of here lickety-split.
Are you filing as married or single?… I’m not hitting on you, no, the government makes us ask that. It’s a big deal on these forms. So… single? No, I don’t think they care if it’s just “single” or “always single and completely available.” I’m just checking off the box here.
Let’s take a look at your finances. I see you have a folder there, do you have any W-2s? Thanks. You’re handing me The Joshua Tree and Zooropa? Oh… ha… DOUBLE U2, yeah, ha. I don’t think the IRS is going to accept this.
What I’m asking is, were you employed this year? I just need some documentation regarding how much income you may have earned.
I’m sorry, what? You sold cupcakes to kittens? That’s a pretty specific niche. Did the owners pay you? OK, so, instead of money, one of the kittens let you live in the family’s treehouse out back? I’m going to list that as an “in-kind” donation. Is that it? Did you do any other work this year? That flowing skirt looks kind of expensive. I’ve never noticed a cashmere crop top sweater at Walmart. Do you want to declare any major gifts, or maybe gambling winnings?… So the clothes are hand-me-downs from your grandmother who raised you because your parents were too busy, and this interfered with your ability to trust and form healthy attachments?
Yeah, I don’t think the government needs to know any of this. I’m just going to mark you down here as “self-employed.” The good news is, since you own your own business, we can take out some deductions for any expenses you might have encountered. Oh, are those receipts in your pocket—HEY, WHAT THE HELL?! STOP THROWING ALL THAT GLITTER! MY OFFICE LOOKS LIKE A STRIP CLUB TERRORIST ACT!
I’m sorry, no, you’re right, I shouldn’t yell. You just surprised me. Don’t cry. I’m not angry. Do you need a tissue? Please don’t hide under my sport coat.
Hey, look at me, you’re right, glitter DOES make this whole experience more magical. I’m just responsible for any non-standard cleaning in here. This whole job is just contract work through mid-April, you know? They’re really particular about the floors in this building, I just don’t know how this will vacuum. I mean, it’s GREAT—really, I love it. I hope it’s always there, it’ll be like I’m walking on tiny bits of gold that stick to everything and do NOT make me look like I molested an elementary school art class.
I’m going to go ahead and assume you didn’t bring any receipts.
OK, we’re almost done. I know you’re still upset, I really am sorry, please don’t leave. Oh, sure, dancing makes you feel better, that makes sense. Can I just ask you—wow, that’s a lot of twirling!
I just have a few more questions. This is probably a dumb one, but do you have any major investments or own a home or—right, right, ownership is a silly idea, of course, “we all just have love.” I guess I can write that on here, but, you know, what number would I place as the relative value? Pretty deep, right?
See, I can be interesting too. One time I told my boss I had to pick up some antihistamines at the pharmacy, but instead I snuck out to go get a latte on Starbucks “free coffee” day—I don’t even have allergies!
I think we’re all done here. Actually, I think I’m done here as well. Being a part-time contract accountant was never my dream. You helped me see that, Jennifer.
This might sound crazy, but with you beside me, eating food off strangers’ plates, wearing inappropriate outfits, and running away from responsibility, I feel like I could finally, truly be ME. I want to become a conceptual yodel artist, I always have. It’s been my secret dream. Help me make it come true! Let’s run away together, or at least for a few months until I realize that I like being on time for things and being an emotionally responsible person. Oh, I’m just teasing, I’ll never realize that! Not before you leave me, at least! Grab your Hello Kitty backpack, we’ll climb out the window, you can teach me how!
Oh, but yes, you do need to sign here first. The IRS is pretty strict about that sort of thing.