This week has been trying for us all.1 While I don’t want to let the incident at the Capitol overshadow all of our accomplishments,2 it’s made me look deep inside myself and do some serious soul-searching.3 I even turned to my spiritual advisor4 for guidance. After much deliberation, I will take action5 and resign from my cabinet post.6

This was not an easy decision.7 Working on behalf of the American people8 was the greatest honor of my life.9 It will pain me being able to serve my country for the remainder of my term.10 While I was proud to be a part of the administration,11 I simply cannot stay any longer.12

I became deeply troubled13 by the rhetoric the president used.14 Our peaceful transfer of power15 is what makes our country so great, and we must continue to protect our Constitution16 at all costs.17 I trust the president and the remaining cabinet members will act in the best interest of the country.18

That said, it’s important to remember that those small number of people19 at the Capitol do not speak for all Trump supporters, and we must hold them accountable20 for their acts of violence,21 just as Donald Trump22 needs to be accountable for his words.23 They were dangerous and led to unforeseen24 consequences.25 That’s not the America I love.26

I think about the impressionable children watching what’s happening,27 and I know we must do better. They are the future of our country, and one day that country28 will be run by them.29 It left me no choice but to step down.30 I hope when it’s their turn to write the history books,31 they will be able to focus on the positives32 of the Trump administration,33 and not this unfortunate blip.34

God Bless America.35

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1 For example, I tried to get the American people to participate in sedition.

2 We told people not to cover their murder breath.

3 I found nothing.

4 Financial advisor.

5 For the first time.

6 And get a two-week head start on my vacation.

7 It was.

8 Corporate interests.

9 If you don’t count when my portfolio tripled.

10 Slightly less than the length of a mosquito’s lifetime.

11 For 99% of the term.

12 Please only remember the 1% of the time I wasn’t in the administration. We’ve always only cared about the 1%.

13 Six minutes ago.

14 Every day for the last four years.

15 Corporations.

16 Corporations again.

17 Please don’t make me vote on invoking the 25th Amendment.

18 The ship is sinking, and since the entire administration is women and children, I’m going to make a dash for the lifeboat. “The lifeboat” is what we call cable news.

19 Specifically, the ones wearing horns.

20 I just learned what this word means.

21 By letting them just walk out freely.

22 And only Donald Trump.

23 And I need to be absolved from all my involvement.

24 I was wearing really dark sunglasses inside.

25 We convinced them the election was stolen after repeating it all the time.

26 Going forward.

27 Who are thankfully probably too dumb after four years of our education policies to hold me accountable.

28 Not saying if it’ll still be America.

29 We are probably going to try to coup again.

30 Flights to Mexico are such good deals right now.

31 If things like “books” or “the coasts” still exist.

32 That I stepped down.

33 In fact, maybe they’ll just forget I was ever in it?

34 Of leading the country to the point of insurrection.

35 Please let me keep my book deal.