Hey, it’s me, Dry January. The one you pledged abstinence to. Look, I know you had honest intentions. I heard you when you vowed to make up for drinking every day last year simply because time had no meaning. I saw you make your sincere pledge to take the month off after nine months of “I probably shouldn’t, but whatever, we’re in a pandemic.” I believe you thought you could do it.

But seriously, are you kidding me?

What did you think would happen on January 1st? A new year? A new beginning? That the last ten months, let alone the last four years, would be wiped out with the turn of your eventless 2020 calendar? Honestly.

I’ll admit I didn’t expect you’d crack this early. I thought you had steeled your resolve after binge-watching The Queen’s Gambit and The Flight Attendant on successive nights. I know, I know… we’re in “unprecedented times,” and you’ve got “isolation fatigue” blah blah. But man, your can-do spirit turned to other spirits pretty quickly.

I mean, it started reasonably well. You got through the first five days without a hitch. Well, technically, it was only three days since days one and two were Friday and Saturday, so you had a couple drinks because, well, the weekend. Fair enough.

But Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, you rocked it. You didn’t so much as lay a loving eye on that open bottle of chardonnay slowly losing its bouquet on the fridge shelf. You barely blinked at that half-finished fifth of Crown Royal taking up space in your office drawer. Or that box of those weird liquor-filled chocolates that someone dropped off for Christmas and are disgusting but will do in a pinch.

Then Wednesday came around. Whoever imagined your fortitude would be tested with the attempted overthrowing of democracy? Certainly not you or your parched self-control. Sure, in the before time, a run of the mill humpday would be a no brainer. But we’re not in the before time anymore! Did 2020 teach you nothing?

I suppose you shouldn’t feel too bad; you are not alone. Well, you probably are alone, or at least alone with the same few people you’ve been with for the past ten months. Seriously, is it any wonder you people are drinking? Anyway, I knew there would be a lot of you. The only thing higher than COVID counts in 2020 were alcohol sales. Talk about unprecedented! No, I’m not at all surprised that so many of you thought you could amend for months of self-medicating with a seemingly simple resolution. I just didn’t expect so many of you hapless souls to think you would actually be successful!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not totally unsympathetic. Really, who knew that when 2020 said, “Things can’t get any worse than this year,” 2021 would say, “Hold my beer. “

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Mmm… beer. Yes, but you’re also thinking, I can regroup. I can get back on the wagon and drive it to the light at the end of the tunnel, or some other mixed metaphor that would work if you weren’t in withdrawal and/or already wasted again.

And you know what? You’re right! Better days do lie ahead! The inauguration is around the corner. Vaccines are coming. Those liquor-filled chocolates don’t really count as alcohol. I applaud your optimism. You got this!

Oh, and good luck with homeschooling.