Dear Valued Fun ’N Easy Edible Frozen Pizza Treats Customers,

Many accusations have been hurled at my company over the past few months. You have probably read about this in the papers or on the CDC website. Needless to say, this has been a difficult time for my family and me.

I have been called everything from an “irresponsible pizza hack” to the “harbinger of death.” Now, as the back of my pizza box explains in great detail, I am not a high-school educated man. I don’t know what “harbinger” means, nor do I have the time or interest to google it. However, my gut tells me that ten-dollar words like that shouldn’t be associated with delicious frozen baked goods. As such, I have decided to tackle the issue head-on and write a formal explanation/apology letter to you, my loyal customer base.

To begin, you must understand that swan meat is considered perfectly normal in many countries. Was it ethically and morally wrong to label it as barbecue chicken? Probably. But let me ask you this: isn’t it a bit narrow-minded to say butchering a pig/chicken/cow is less horrific than torturing a gaggle of swans near a school? Before you answer, let me add the following. Yes, it was a tad inappropriate to open what many of my detractors have nicknamed “Swan Gitmo” so close to an elementary school. But, boy-oh-boy, that land was cheap. I couldn’t afford NOT to buy it. And as for the swan torture? A farmer once told me that it was trade secret to waterboard all livestock before slaughter. It apparently plumps the meat. If I’m guilty of anything, it’s making juicy meat. And if that’s somehow considered a crime, lock me up.

Some have suggested that I got into this business “solely for the money.” That’s just not fair. As a third-generation Irishman, it is my duty to bring my homeland’s greatest treat States-side. My grandmother taught me this pizza recipe when I was just a wee lad. Red pizza paste is in my blood. And on that note, no, the trace of blood literally found on 35% of my frozen pizzas is not mine. I reiterate, NOT MINE. I was merely using the phrase “in my blood” as a simile. Or is it metaphor? I never could tell those nerd-terms apart.

As for the salmonella and E. coli claims, there is some truth to the matter. Yes, I have knowingly sold tainted pizzas with those strains of bacteria. I apologize. No one is perfect. But please understand the decision to ship was not motivated by evil intentions; there is back story.

You see, Pete Jr., our hard-working plant manager, recently found out that his wife Leanne was pregnant (she is a wonderful woman). In celebration, he stripped naked and dove headfirst into the vat of red pizza paste featured prominently on all our Fun ‘N Easy Edible Frozen Pizza Treats. It was fucking hilarious. Well, a few drinks later, many of our other factory workers also decided to jump into the paste. No harm, no foul. It was only months later that I learned many of those very same workers don’t properly “bathe” or “wipe themselves.” But, to their defense, who does these days? And as the good-Bible says, “Let he who is not in sin cast the first stone.” Or some shit like that. I haven’t been to church in a while. You get the point.

At the moment, my company is closed. My fortune, gone. And, as many of you have noticed, my pizzas have been stripped from your local supermarket’s frozen food aisle. I am a quote-unquote wanted fugitive, whatever the fuck that means. Call me a red-blooded American, but don’t you think it’s a bit excessive to make my picture larger than Osama Bin Laden’s on the official FBI website? My wife, terrified children and I sure think so.

Consider me down, but not out, loyal customers. I will be back when the heat cools off. Which reminds me: don’t cook your pizza at 427 degrees. Horrible things happen. Horrible, horrible things.

Christian Lynch
CEO and Founder of Fun ’N Easy Edible Frozen Pizza Treats