Most people learn to pickle as an undetectable way to poison a spouse, business partner, or reigning monarch, but pickling is also a perfect way to preserve the flavors of your garden. Today, as part of my court-ordered gardening blog, I’d like to share my pickling secrets with you.

As you may know, pickling has been around since 1968. In the beginning, men and women usually traded sex with their grocer for canning jars and pickling salts. There were a variety of excellent pickling and tantric sex guides produced during from this time, most notably, The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath.

Whenever you pickle, you should always use the freshest ingredients possible. For instance, whenever I make my fabulous “Energy Beets” I use the freshest AA batteries available. If you ever want anything to taste like your childhood, cut off the leg of a stuffed animal and throw it into your mix. As you can probably guess, the more batteries or stuffed animal limbs you toss into the jar, the spicier your pickle will be.

Glass jars with a screw-top lid work best for small-batch pickling, but for a big batch I usually strap together two kiddie pools with some of my homemade fruit leather (a.k.a. “the clam technique"). Almost any container can be used to pickle, so keep your eyes peeled. While I was in the hospital following my penis reduction surgery, I pickled some asparagus using a leftover IV bag.

For most fruits and vegetables, you’ll need to submerge your canning jars in boiling water for 10-12 minutes to attain a proper seal. For canned meats, your boil time will be 15-20 minutes. If you’re canning a two headed garter snake for your brother’s animal oddity museum you’re looking at around half an hour.

Store your canning jars or kiddie pools in cool, dark place for three weeks before eating your pickles. If you’re impatient and you can’t wait that long, that’s probably okay too. A lot of people get really nervous about botulism, but those people just need to fucking relax. I can tell you from personal experience that botulism feels just like a mild hangover, which after you eat a couple of Energy Beets is hardly even noticeable.