1. Arrive an hour early every week. Explain that you need to burn sage to cleanse the atmosphere in which you will learn how to best bring your child into the world.
2. Bring all of your unwanted Buy Buy Baby coupons to distribute to couples who offer, in your opinion, the best answers to the instructor’s questions.
3. Only speak in perfect unison with your partner when offering responses during class.
4. Expectant mothers, get up every five minutes to either loudly slurp down a cup of water or use the restroom to pee said water out. Your pregnant waddle should become more pronounced with each trip.
5. Expectant fathers, tenderly caress your partner’s belly, head cocked towards it, and pretend to answer questions from your unborn child’s perspective. Laugh loudly each time you do this because you’re hilarious!
6. At every possible opportunity, remind the other couples that you are having a NATURAL birth. Yawn and/or scoff theatrically each time your instructor uses the words “epidural” or “c-section” or “pitocin.”
7. Spice up your labor coping practice by pretending the expectant mother is actually in extremely painful labor. The louder her moans and cries, the better.
8. Find a way to bring up how beneficial and pleasurable your perineal massage has been at least three times per session.
9. Frequently quiz your instructor on the most up-to-date obscure pregnancy and birth statistics. Nod sagely and take notes when she confesses she isn’t sure.
10. During your final session, have an intense contraction in lieu of explaining the contents of your birth bundle. Limp out of class to wild applause from your fellow expectant parents. Congratulations! You have beaten them all.