Dear Fracking Industry,

I read an article in the Intercept recently that said you’re looking to step up your social media game in order to reach millennials like me. That’s really cool of you. And props on choosing Taco Bell as a twitter role model.

God, what I wouldn’t do for a Grilled Stuft Nacho and Mountain Dew Sangrita Blast right now.

See, young people like me are so impressionable! I hear the words Taco Bell and it’s like I instantly need a fiesta in my mouth. You would think we’re Pavlov dogs or something. All you have to do is keep associating a product with a hip, catchy slogan and were moths to the light.

Just keep repeating it over and over. Fracking is safe. Fracking is great. Flaming faucets are the most energy efficient way to reheat Taco Bell leftovers. Dick Cheney loves you and wants what’s best for all American people. (Also, why did no one every come up with a cute celebrity couple name for George Bush and Dick Cheney? Bush-Dick #OnFleek)

I’m sure if you keep saying the same thing over and over again in super catchy, simple terms you’ll have all us millennials as besties before you know it.

I really thought you had given up on us young folks since, you know, you’re destroying our planet and future and all, but it’s really awesome to see you haven’t forgotten about us.

Would you mind if I gave you some tips? (I’m putting them into a list because young people love lists. They give us structure in this chaotic universe and make it so we can skim things without actually having to read them.)

1. Forget the haters and just do you

Those environmentalists are going to hate hard no matter what you do and everyone knows the Internet is full of trolls anyway so fuck ‘em!

Self-empowerment is big on the Internet these days. Just be who you are! And hashtag it so random strangers can find and appreciate who you are.

It’s like Marilyn Monroe said, “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. [Boy, does that remind you of some blown out fracking wells or what!] But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

Do you get what she’s saying? She’s saying don’t be afraid to put all the shit you’ve fucked up out there. Don’t be ashamed of who you really are, and if people don’t accept you when you’ve poisoned their water and air, forget them!

Oh, I’ve got an awesome idea! How bout a whole #SorryNotSorry campaign?

  • #TBT to when we contaminated Dimock’s water #SorryNotSorry
  • Leaking cray amounts of fugitive methane and causing global warming #SorryNotSorry
  • Whoa, the fumes coming off that well! Getting turnt up! #SorryNotSorry #CanIGetAMargaritaWithTheseVolatileOrganicCompounds

2. Show off your bling

We know homeboy Rex Tillerson is banking! He’s the CEO of Exxon Mobile for Christ sake. Why aren’t there more pictures of him in his Texas mansion? Trying on Tom Ford? Posing on a polar bear skin rug?

Oh sweet! I see a picture of him toasting champagne with Putin. Nice! Are they at brunch? Quick get that up on Instagram, young people love brunch. If there are huevos rancheros being served you may even get young people to forget that Tillerson and Putin are cheering over drilling the Arctic which is a total climate change cluster fuck that will probably wipe out humanity and brunch forever.

3. Embrace the flaming faucets

Can I get real with you? No one is buying the whole “fracking doesn’t contaminate water” line. And young people hate liars. We just want people to be rill. R-I-L-L.

What did I say before? Own who you are!

Plus, young people fucking love fire. Have you seen college students around a bottle of Bacardi 151? Get a picture of Miley Cyrus lighting a blunt on contaminated water and you will have every frat house in Penn State fracking their front yards this summer.

4. Embrace the fact that you’re causing climate change

Once again, no one is buying your line that fracking is ‘clean’ and doesn’t cause climate change. We’re not dumb. We’re just apathetic.

But you know what makes us not apathetic, extreme weather movies. That shit gets us pumped up like we just chugged a 40 oz. of Baja Blast.

Everyday I’m sitting in my apartment waiting for New York City to flood so Jake Gyllenhaal can come save me. With how weird the oceans are getting the possibilities are endless. You’ll have millennials lining up around the block to try fossil fuels if they think there’s a chance climate change could create a killerwhalenado. Add in a couple of those earthquakes you all are causing in Oklahoma and we are in business!

Anyway, those are just a couple thoughts I had. Hope you follow me back.

— Lee Ziesche