Dear #fitgirls,

I’m worried that if I see another green smoothie on your Instagram, I might throw up on it. Or in it. The minute I see your muscular bodies, fluoride smiles and read you telling me I have the moves, my body is thrown into a fit. Not fit the way you’d like it. I am motivated away from your sugar-free dessert recipes on your blog and want to go and have myself a cake.

I am confused because you all seem so high-performance, but I can’t keep my heart rate up at 85% RPM. In fact I don’t feel like that’s very regular. Thankfully I took your quinoa salad recipe advice, and that has kept me regular. But regular is not very high-performance is it?

The #ThankfulnessThursday hashtag on Instagram confused me. I muddled it up with #ThrowbackThursday. I realized that I shouldn’t participate in either of those hashtag trends. I’ve realized that if I go back too far, there’s some real painful memories there. And I don’t feel that they’re worth throwing back to, or celebrating.

Speaking of pain, I get that exercise is endurance but I’m struggling to endure the latest ‘five-position-squat’ craze. If you go crazy posting about T.H.O.S.E.A.B.S. again I think I’ll slam on my ABS and tell you about That Horrible Obesity Situation Elsewhere, where abs are sculpted by something a little more sinister. How’s that for #thankfulnessthursday? I’m sorry, I’ll move away from that.

I noticed that in your fitness philosophy that you blog about, you tell me you want me to be my best everyday. If I were to subscribe to your RSS though, I was wondering if I could ever get a day off? Can I get weekends off? What about public holidays? Leap years? That’s February 29th, once every four years. That comes around as often as the Olympics, you’d know about that.

I noticed that you post “Happiness = Health” a lot. That’s helpful for all the jolly people out there. How does Bhutan go on the health spectrum? In this philosophy, is it possible to reach a certain point of happiness-nirvana where we can stop exercising?

Happiness and health—are they mutually exclusive? Is this like a club? Should I invite my friends? Should I tell them to bring kale chips? Would I receive a discount if I did? At least a goodies bag? Would it be full of rawsome treats? I have read about rawsome food. The idea of it takes me into the wild. Roarsome. I see myself, a tigress, running in the wind.

Alright, I’m gonna be a bit (fashion) forward with you now. I feel sick. And wearing tight leggings doesn’t ease the pain. It just sucks it in. So I think I’m going to go to bed now. I will count the email that you sent me with the link to your blog as spam. Spam yes. Very-unhealthy meat-that-kills-the-animals-and-goes-straight-to-your-thighs. And I’m not even going to exercise it off. But I might blog about it.