Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
Send your nonfictional open letters to firstname.lastname@example.org.
An Open Letter to Google.
BY NAV PUREWAL
You have done so much for me. I wish I could repay you. I have sought to learn much in the past while, and you have made my endeavors all the more enjoyable. Who else could I have turned to when I wanted to find Nick Hornby’s recent article on graphic novels from the New York Times? Who else could answer my many questions about French bread recipes? Who but you could lead me to such titillating images of Ruth Bader Ginsburg topless? No one but you could do this Google. No one.
I ask you, Google, is there anything you cannot do? You have sorted through billions of web pages to bring me the information I desire. I type my name into your dialogue box, and instantly I discover a part of myself that I did not even know. How do you wield such magic, Google? How?
I must ask you again, Google, is there anything you cannot do?
There is. You cannot love.
But still. I love you. Though I may not always show it, you must know it to be true.
How can I show you my love? How? I’m sorry that I didn’t download the Google toolbar. My browser’s toolbar is already too full. Please understand. You’re on my Favorites List. Is that not enough?
You’ve always been good to me Google. You showed me the folly of my compulsive gambling with your “I’m Feeling Lucky” button. I first learned of Liv Tyler’s engagement from Google News. Where could I find a Philosophy of Humor message board other than from Google Groups? Nowhere.
Goodbye Norton toolbar. Goodbye standard buttons. The Google toolbar is all that I need.
I hope this will please you, Google. Truly, I do. Sometimes in class, my mind wanders. I endlessly doodle your name in my notebook: “10 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000.” Over and over. Google. “10100.” Google.
On those lonely nights before I had a spell checker on my computer, you were my spell checker. I’d enter the words, and if they were wrong, you would politely correct me.
Yours for ever more,
SUGGESTED READSList: Bored, I Search Google for “Luke Is.”
by Luke Rosa (9/3/2002)
List: Affirmations Google Should Consider Putting on Its Search Button Other Than “I’m Feeling Lucky.”
by Angela Genusa (1/4/2006)
List: Searching for Orthographical Consensus by Counting Search Results on Google.com, Part One: The Leader of Libya
by Kevin Shay (10/24/2000)
RECENTLYPride and Prejudice and Trump
by Megan Quinn (9/28/2016)
Women Who Should Be Pretty Pissed Off: Eliza Hamilton Was Not Helpless
by Amy Watkin (9/28/2016)
List: The Ways People on Dateline “Had it All” According to the Family Cat
by Dan Rozier (9/28/2016)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/22/2016)
Our Tiny Home is Revolutionizing How My Wife and I Fight
by Daniel Carrillo (9/21/2016)
An Honest Intern Application Cover Letter
by Nick Hughes (9/19/2016)