Thank you for applying to our advertising firm. Unfortunately, just as you were forewarned by your parents and teachers back in 2010, we have decided not to proceed with your application because our online background check revealed a photo of you drinking what is unmistakably beer in a red solo cup at Alex Sorenson’s house party when you were sixteen years old.
You were very high on our list to be our new junior manager. Your educational background, your skills, and your interview were all superb. Sadly, we just can’t choose someone to join our team that hasn’t heard that the internet is forever. You were also holding a Kesha CD in the photo, and the lyrics to her song “TiK ToK” are too profane for our company.
We had the papers to hire you drawn up, but when we did a quick ten-hour search online, we found that beer-drinking photo from your high school friend Rob Danport’s profile. You may have asked Rob to untag you all those years ago, but we still can find anything online. Rob says hi, by the way.
We saw that you requested your cousin Katie Taylor to be your neighbor on Farmville in August of 2012, and while that isn’t directly against company policy, it did annoy us.
We would usually wish you good luck in your career search, but we have little hope for you, considering your 2011 Instagram post with the Valencia filter where you wore a shirt with the Marlboro logo on it. By doing so, you were tacitly approving their carcinogenic products, and you should have gotten sent home from school that day to change.
We asked you whether you had anything in your background you wanted to disclose. We found you skipped your eleventh grade field day based on your nonappearance in your mutual friend Peter Selig’s 2012 album junya yeezy, leaving your partner Olivia Harris alone for the egg on the spoon race, as she commented about it, and then commented again nine years later fondly remembering the occasion. But you decided you had “nothing to disclose.” Next time, think about how your future employer might respond to you hiding this important information.
You were Facebook friends with Kyler Mitchum, who we know was the bad kid in school and would be a terrible influence on you and, therefore, our company’s future. The investors in our firm want to know that new hires have a straight moral compass and aren’t seeing posts from the guy that used to snort pixie stix on the bench behind the school to try to get high.
Instead of offering you this position, we would recommend applying to work as a mascot for the Auntie Anne’s stand at the Pine Grove Mall. Naturally, that would be the only job that would hire you, as your mom has warned you all along.