Dear Lululemon Yoga Pants —

This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER is to inform you that your persistent actions including (but not limited to) inserting yourself in a constant tight and irremovable wad up my front and back crack have become unbearable. You are hereby ORDERED TO STOP such activities immediately.

I have the right to remain free from this activity as it constitutes harassment. I have politely asked you to desist several times but to no avail. It’s as though you aren’t even listening. So consider this your final warning: if you do not cease your involvement with my genital region, I will pursue legal action against you. This legal action may include contacting law enforcement and suing you civilly for damages I have incurred, both physically and mentally.

You cannot judge me for purchasing you despite the knowledge that you were at least two sizes too small. You’re Lululemons, God damn it, and I found you on the reduced rack at Winners. The way I see it, there really was no choice. However, that does not give you the right to display my bits to the masses.

I repeat: IMMEDIATELY STOP this camel toe producing behavior, or you will risk incurring some very severe legal consequences. That’s right, I said VERY SEVERE. I mean it.

I hope we can resolve this matter without authoritative involvement; however, this order acts as your ONE FINAL CHANCE to get the hell out of my crotch once and for all before I exercise my legal rights.

K. Hawthorne