I have a lot of freedom when it comes to what I do with my body. I can make it dance. I can take it to the bank. I can dress it up in footie pajamas and go for a walk. Last week, for no reason, I read a few books to my body and then we built a boat together. Honestly, if you asked me to think of one thing that I can’t do with my body, I wouldn’t be able to think of one thing that isn’t outside the bounds of our physical universe.

But that’s the problem. I’m starting to feel overwhelmed by the sheer number of things I can do with my body. It’s making it hard to even get my body and me out of bed. Should I take my body to the movies on a skateboard, or should I let my body pee in the woods? Should I paint some fake abs on my body, or should I help my body fulfill its lifelong dream of being a successful small business owner? These are the kinds of questions I struggle with every day.

I’m tired of this struggle, and have therefore decided that I no longer want to tell myself what to do with my body. Please, will someone just tell me what to do with my body?

I’m jealous of those people that I meet who are being told by other people what to do with their bodies. I’m also befuddled by their insistence that others NOT tell them what to do with their bodies. How are these people not completely exhausted, as I am, by the sheer infinity of choices for what to do with one’s body? The Bible tells us we should never turn away free, unsolicited advice. So here’s my free, unsolicited advice to anyone who desires complete body autonomy: Be careful what you wish for.

“My body, my choice,” these body micromanagers might say.

“My body, my reason for not getting any quality me-time,” I might say back.

You see, the problem is that, sometimes, the body has a mind of its own. This can make telling the body what do akin to raising an ornery child. Let’s say you need to go to the DMV to renew your license, but your body wants to stay home and organize your cookbooks by ethnicity? What do you do in that situation? Go to the DMV and you and your body will end up standing in a long line for several hours. Organize the cookbooks, and you and your body may become locked in a futile argument about who takes precedence when it comes to Mexinese Fusion cuisine.

These are the kinds of debilitating scenarios that confront people like me who are cursed with the freedom to choose what to do with our bodies.

Life would just be so much less stressful for me if I had some sort of objective third party or emotionally detached governing body that could tell my body what to do some of the time. Emphasis on the word some. It’s not like I don’t want to have some input on what my body does, especially on weekends and during vacations. That would be crazy.

I think what I really want is a stern nanny who can come over for about for about 40 to 60 hours a week and take over some of the decision-making responsibility. I want him or her to handle the big ones, like deciding what my body eats and where my body goes and or how my body dresses. That way, I can focus on the more interesting minutiae. Just think of how much ground I can cover with my Criterion Collection if I didn’t have to tell my body who to love?

With all of this in mind, I would like to announce that I am now accepting applications for a full time Body Nanny. If you are interested in telling me what to do with my body, please provide a resume and three professional references. Or you can just suggest a few things I should do with my body while we’re waiting in line for coffee. I promise to make my body do whatever you say.