Oh, so you took the virus with you to the suburbs and disseminated it far and wide? Well, let me tell you — I just have ONE question…
Do they have an extra room that I could crash in?
Please? It’s been 18 weeks, I need to see some grass at this point.
I really did intend to stick the pandemic out in New York. I thought all of you fleeing to Mommy and Daddy were weak and soft. But my bodega on the corner finally closed and I have nothing left to give.
I know I’ve never met your folks, but judging from your Instagram they seem like really nice people. Between your mother’s Lichtenstein collection and your dad’s love for everything U2, I can tell your mother has great taste.
And I’ll pull my weight. I’ll vacuum, dust, you name it. The only things I DON’T do are dishes, laundry, pet feeding, pet walking, table setting, leaf blowing (yard work, in general), bed making, and smiling at babies. But literally anything else.
Could I crash in the office, is that cool? I’ll need a place to work anyway. Yes, I am currently unemployed, but I’m working on a couple spec scripts so I’ll need some privacy, along with your parents’ Hulu password. And I don’t mean to sound picky, but I will need my workspace kept at a brisk 64 degrees at all times.
If not, how about your brother Greg’s room? When you posted your family doing “The Renegade” dance on TikTok, I noticed he was missing from the bunch. Is he quarantining at college, or is he just not a dancer? Because I called the Dartmouth admissions office, and they last placed him in Intro to Russian Literature on March 12th. Russian Literature? What’s your brother’s loyalty to this country?
Call me crazy, but I could crash in the basement. And yes, I’m aware of the drop ceiling you guys put in. Honestly, I’m a little offended you didn’t have my 6’6 frame in mind when you were adding it, but it’s fine. I spoke with the original contractor on the house, and according to the blueprints he sent me, the basement can fit a Queen mattress. So, unfortunately, the California King Waterbed I ordered will have to go elsewhere.
But if Greg is home and not a Russian spy, I’ll gladly stay in the pool house too. There is a pool house, right? I’m looking at your house on Google Earth and I can’t tell if that’s a shed or a pool house in the backyard. Okay, I see a shovel, it’s a shed… scratch that.
Hell, I’d even sleep in your mom’s Honda Odyssey. Leather interior, heated seats, power steering? I’m in. I just need to confirm that the garage code is 6225. I know that’s your mom’s pin number, so I assume it’s the same.
By the way, who’s picking me up from the train station? I’m just a few stops away and I’ll be needing a nap ASAP. Never mind, I’ll Uber and surprise them (you’ll need to Venmo me back, I’m a guest for Christ’s sakes). Also, can you preheat the oven? I made baked ziti as a small “thank you” to your family.
And let me know if this is all too much. I know we’ve only met once, so imposing is the last thing I want to do. Besides sleep on a couch, of course.