Dear Parkay Inc.,

Forgive my frankness, but I think margarine is swill. It is both bland and joyless. If, say, margarine were a high school student, it would be the manager of the junior-varsity water-polo team. It would have a wispy black goatee, do a lot of secret cape-wearing, and have elaborate and multi-sensory masturbation rituals. I’m sure you know the type. Margarine is at the end of its rope, no kidding. So this is what I propose: Bargarine. Butter + margarine. Think about it. Butter has so much more versatility — in cooking, and… well, let’s face it, butter just fucking rocks. Remember that product that combined peanut butter and jelly in one jar? Goober? Do they still sell that? It dominated, if memory serves me. I think the commercial version of Bargarine should be structured in a similar manner, with butter and margarine swirled together in one tub. I firmly believe that this product will, to put it bluntly, rape the diary marketplace with its awesomeness.

My early test-tubs of Bargarine were primitive (constructed mostly by cramming a stick of butter into the middle of a margarine tub), but I have a feeling that your sophisticated machinery and churning talents can fully actualize the potential of this idea. You may purchase the brand name and idea of Bargarine from me for a mere 6,000,000 USD. Be aware that, as a precaution, I have also trademarked the names Mutter, Mutterine, Butterine, and This is too Goddamn Good for Words. My attorneys’ names are Greg and Todd.

Thank you,

Eliza Coolley
Pottstown, PA

CC: American Dairy Association