Dear Panda Handler at the San Diego Zoo,

Congratulations on the mating efforts of you and your staff. I understand the pandas are expecting twins. Please find enclosed a $25 gift certificate to BabyGap. It’s the least I could do.

I was wondering if you could clear something up for me. Is the panda sex ferocious or tame? I say because they do it so little, it would be visceral and animalistic. My buddy says that it’s impossible to get them to mate so it must be the worst sex ever.

What’s the truth?

Geoff Wolinetz
New York, NY