From: Ringo, 4-year-old Saint Bernard
Well, this is not easy. I’m supposed to be loyal and supportive, and God knows I’ve given it my best shot. But let’s be honest: my opportunities here are limited. I just don’t know how in the world I can deliver food and first-aid supplies to anyone in this goddamned condominium. Am I supposed to be a rescue dog or not? I thought you could at least attach martini shakers to my collar and turn me loose near the pool. But it turns out there really are no emergencies here. In fact, the only crisis I can see is the frozen tundra of your dating life. So, best of luck, Admiral Byrd—you’re going to need it.
From: Wicket, 10-month-old Border collie
OK OK OK, there’re just a few things I have to say before we get all crazy and I start editing myself here before I even finish this sentence, because I’ve anticipated your reaction before you even know what I’m about to say, which is that I think I could do a lot more—that is to say, a lot better—elsewhere, instead of—is that your key in the door I heard just now? No, just a false alarm, I guess—instead of this place, where there just is not enough stimulation for a dog of my caliber, since you’re a work-at-home Internet marketer who sunburns easily and is allergic to fun, so I guess I just gotta move on with no hard feelings, OK OK OK?
From: Tiffany, 3-year-old poodle
Bitch, seriously. The PETA fundraiser at Supercuts this coming Thursday? Bad idea. I’m leaving right now before I ruin my nails on your face.
From: Paco, 4-year-old Portuguese water dog
I’m just going to come right out and say it.
I. WANT. KIDS.
I’m great with kids because I’m a PWD, right? Playful, intelligent, energetic—a little protective but not aggressive. I would make the perfect playmate for a houseful of rugrats. And when you took me in I was thrilled. I thought, Here’s this handsome guy, with a good job, nice car. He’ll have no problem attracting a mate. When your roommate Steve moved in, I was even more hopeful. Yet another good-looking guy making good money who’s going to be married in no time! It was, like, “Call the carpenters, fellas! We’re going to need more bedrooms added!” But, no, nothing ever happened. So … I’m going to give you a little advice before I leave. If you two ever want to meet a potential bride, you need to spend a little less time lifting weights and antiquing together and a whole lot more time on your respective dating lives, OK?
From: Skull, 10-week-old German shepherd
Summary of Latest Maneuvers
(Detailed at 0300 hours EST.)
1. Successfully housebroke myself.
2. Deciphered the sit/stay/roll-over commands.
3. Learned to distinguish between mailman, pizza guy, and your friend Manny, the gardener.
4. Established perimeter of security around backyard shed for Manny.
5. Estimated the value of rare plants growing inside backyard shed.
6. Calculated Manny’s risk/reward share in proportion to federal/state/local cultivation laws.
7. Anticipated the need for rapid growth in the overnight-inventory-transfer business.
8. Determined the need to lick my own balls.
9. Implemented emergency business plan.
10. Corrected any feelings of remorse.
11. Accompanied Manny to bigger and better backyards.
12. Good boy, Carsten!