I’m not going to lie, you guys, the last 18 years have been kind of rough. Between the torture of Muslims, the surveillance of Muslims, the drone bombings of random Muslims countries, and the ongoing harassment at airports, I was kind of starting to feel like a second-class citizen. Just the other day I was reading about America’s role in the atrocities in Yemen and feeling a little depressed.

But now, everyone loves Muslims! Even Fox News! All it took for you to see us as human beings was a bunch of us getting massacred by white supremacists. White supremacists have been pulling murderous shit for a long time, and I don’t know why you suddenly care, but beggars can’t be choosers so I’ll take it.

With that said, I better go buy a lottery ticket because today is my lucky day and I don’t know how long this feeling is going to last. Judging by how quickly we forgot about the last school shooting, I’m guessing I have a couple more days. But maybe with a few million bucks in the bank, I’d be able to afford a private jet and never have to get screamed at by a customs officer after returning home to America (THE LAND OF MY BIRTH) again.

Truth be told, a lot of times it’s my white friends doing the screaming. They get defensive when I point out how it’s ridiculous to think Trump is uniquely awful when white supremacy has been a problem in this part of the world ever since Columbus set his disease-ridden feet on it.


Well, no, but that’s an interesting question, I’ll think but never say, because up until now I wasn’t sure you cared enough about us to put doing good above feeling good.

Now that everyone loves and supports us (and I’m assuming this extends to all minorities?) we’re ready to have honest discussions about white supremacy and how we uphold and benefit from systemic bigotry (because I’m still white enough to catch some of the good stuff and I know it), even though we didn’t vote for Trump and you guys are totally not racist.

You have to admit, it’s a bit awkward that Trump graduated from the schools we bribe our kids into and throws the parties we love to attend and is 100% the product of super, duper, liberal New York City. It’s almost like we’re projecting our own race problems onto the guy because it’s easier.

But that’s in the past. I’m impressed you’re beginning to understand that rallying for a war you’ll never have to fight against people who didn’t do anything to you is not a good look.

I’m sorry I ever doubted your commitment to building a more equitable society because it would mean you’d have to give up your considerable advantages and possibly your third vacation home. It’s clear that this time you are committed to ensuring our country lives up to its promise of liberty and justice for all.

I can’t wait to get to work!