“Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene is facing sharp criticism after she posted an anti-transgender sign outside of her office, directly across the hall from another lawmaker who has a transgender child.” — CNN, 2/25/21

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Our freedoms are in peril. Each day, it becomes harder and harder to live our lives without constantly feeling threatened by the liberal mob of transgender people going about their days as usual and generally minding their own business.

How dare they.

As a staunch defender of American liberty, the Constitution, and maybe the Gettysburg Address, I refuse to let transgender people infringe on my rights as a straight, white, cisgender congresswoman from Georgia.

White women make up just 38% of the American population, and 97.2% of the screeching. In comparison, 0.42% of Americans identify as transgender, and 0.00000001% identify as a straight, white, cisgender congresswoman from Georgia. It’s actually an even smaller number than that, but my calculator told me to go screw myself and then burst into flames.

The point is, straight, white, cisgender congresswomen from Georiga are under attack. There are far more of them than there are of us. The numbers don’t lie. This is science.

Sure, transgender people don’t want to be discriminated against when looking for a job, finding housing, or getting quality healthcare. But here’s the thing, you can’t be discriminated against if you don’t exist.

I know for a fact that I exist. And I also know that every day my rights are being restricted. Transgender people say they want to be able to use the bathroom that aligns with their gender identity, but we can’t have women in men’s bathrooms. The other day I walked into the men’s bathroom and I saw Mitch McConnell peeing. Do transgender people want to see Mitch McConnell peeing? I think not.

Last week, I walked directly into oncoming traffic. The walk sign was not on, nor was I near a crosswalk. And you know what? Nobody stopped for me and I almost died. If that’s not a sign that my rights are more threatened than ever, I don’t know what is.

As my 9th-grade biology teacher Mr. Myers once said, “I’m gonna go cheat on my wife with the administrative secretary in the janitor’s closet, you kids clean up these frog guts.” I believe in science, and I believe that all straight, white, cisgender congresswoman from Georgia should live their lives free from the constant threat of being dragged out by security after knocking a kid out cold in a McDonald’s ball pit.

There are only two genders: male and female. There are only two hair colors: blonde and brunette. There are only two races: white and slightly darker Italian. When I was a kid my mom caught me kissing Mr. Potato Head and told me to stop, but I fished him out of the trash and kept kissing him late into my 20s.

There are only two straight, white, cisgender congresswomen from Georgia. Plus some guy named Jody. We matter too.

I am a politician not because I care about the welfare of my constituents. I am a politician because I make everything about myself. Believe it or not, I have even worse opinions than this.