It’s no secret that the Democratic party has become nothing more than a party of coastal elites, completely removed from the struggles of the everyday working man. Take it from me, the Republican TV pundit once notorious for wearing a bow tie, coming to you from a national news network that pays me more in one week to sit behind a desk and talk than you’ll make in an entire year at your laborious factory job — the Democrats are out of touch.

The Democratic party wants to give people handouts, like free healthcare, or free college, or free jobs that pay above minimum wage. As a man of the people myself, I know that’s not what the working class wants. They want to work for an honest living. Specifically, they want to work about 60 hours a week at a grueling physical job that pays just enough to afford to buy their kid the insulin they need to live, but not enough that they could put money away for an emergency fund or pay down their credit card debt. And I can say with certainty that they don’t want a free education that could help them yield higher paying, less physically demanding jobs, either. Higher education is just an elitist’s way of saying they think they’re too good to mine coal until they get cancer like the rest of us. (Of course, by “us” I mean the royal us — I myself happened to go to an expensive private college, just because my rich parents forced me to — but in my heart of hearts, I am a cancer-ridden coal miner, just like you.)

I relate to the plight of the working people on a deep level. When I was a young boy, looking for my first job at the ripe age of 23, my father thought it would be funny to make me work a day in the factory that he once bought on a dare. My father always had an unconventional sense of humor, and for that, I thank him because that day watching those men lift those boxes despite their cries of pain, despite their need for a bathroom break, despite their hunger for a lunch break, it taught me what hard work was. And the next day, when I bumped into Rupert Murdoch on the street and he said, “Hey, want a job that pays you piles and piles of money to yell on TV?” I accepted to show that I, too, could work hard, and to make those men proud. Finally, they would see their struggles represented on TV by a man who truly got them.

Which goes back to why it’s so downright insulting that the Democrats think these people want their condescending handouts. No man wants to go running to some Rhodes Scholar career politician begging for “free healthcare” so they can “fix their debilitating medical ailments without going into debt.” When real men are struggling, they decide to pick themselves up by the bootstraps, get up off their ass, and get themselves a high-paying TV pundit job like the rest of us.

I’ve never encountered a poor since that early day in the factory 26 years ago, on account of making sure I never spend any time in a setting accessible to anyone who makes less than six figures a year. But I know that if we were to meet again, we’d have a great rapport because I am a flawless mouthpiece for their experience. You see, I’m not some Hamilton-obsessed Dumbocrat living in a coastal city, eating $150 avocado toast, trying to inject straight people with the gay vaccine. I’m a Republican TV pundit: man of the people, $16 million dollar net-worth, enemy of the elite.