“Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp announced on Monday that gyms, hair salons, nail salons, barbershops, and bowling alleys will be allowed to reopen in the state on Friday — even as the number of cases of coronavirus in the state continues to rise.” — The Daily Beast, 4/20/20

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As governor of your great state, it’s my responsibility to figure out what can hurt us, when it will happen, and what I can do with the powers vested in me to immediately provide the most aid to those in need. As I’m sure you are all aware, we’re currently dealing with what’s being called a “pandemic” nationwide. While I’ve yet to ask anyone exactly what that word means, I want you to know, directly from me, that we’re all going to be fine.

Virus or no virus, I just want to remind you that while my commitment to your health and safety remains paramount, I’m not going to stop opening up our economy just because a few of you suckers are going to die.

Look, I’m just a simple, God-fearing American trying to do the best for my state, and the fact of the matter is that I just know my constituents much better than the biased, liberal media that’s trying to paint me as incompetent does. I’m not a scientist — who among us is? Heck, I haven’t even googled any of this. So even though they can take my words out of context and pretend like I don’t know even the basics of how this world-altering plague is ravaging the country and killing so many, one thing they’ll never be able to twist is my urgent belief that the state should open up as soon as humanly possible, at whatever human cost. I was elected on the promise that I would bring economic prosperity to this state, and if it means killing one, five, or ten thousand of you — you better believe I’m up to the task.

It is my solemn promise that even though we have lost a great number of hardworking Americans to this vicious supervirus for which there is no vaccine or effective treatment, I will not blink an eye if our state loses even one person who would not vote for me.

I’ve got too many other things on my plate than to worry about this flu everyone is squawking about. I have to make sure only the rich and privileged can participate in the political process. I have to devise ways to take healthcare away from as many people as possible, so in the event people actually do get sick, they can’t get treatment. And when I’m done with that, I still have to deprive women of contraception and safe spaces to receive life-saving care.

Rest assured, I will never let those side projects interfere with my ability to simultaneously ignore acting on a global public health crisis while reopening an economy that will not properly function because every single person in my state is terrified of dying. The reality is we can all die at any time, whether by crossing the street, eating a hot dog, or by failing to take necessary, easily accomplished steps to avoid perishing in the hallway of an overwhelmed, ill-equipped, and understaffed hospital. Truthfully, if I could trade every one of your lives for a point on the DOW, we’d be in a bull-market!

So in this time of national need, I urge you to ignore the anti-American critics that don’t know a thing about our beautiful state. Celebrate what makes us great. Go out to your local bar or restaurant with your buddies. Enjoy our parks and public spaces. Buy a military grade-assault rifle. And please know that whatever happens, I refuse to compromise the will of the people who elected me in the first place.

You can bet your life on it.