“Now hiring up to four horsemen to serve as harbingers of the Final Judgement. Must be comfortable with conquest, pestilence, war, and famine. Start date flexible.”

“LOST: Several inches of extremely powerful hair. Last seen in clutches of female Philistine flunky. Contact Samson with tips.”

“Unfortunate patriarch seeks large storage facility for pillar of salt. I need a Lot of space!”

“MFW: Lonely Garden of Eden caretaker in need of partner. Prone to blind obedience — no heartbreakers, please! Willing to share my home – and my rib.”

“Seeking experienced detective to investigate fiance’s suspicious pregnancy. Need intel on sly character named Gabriel. Contact Joe for more information.”

“AVAILABLE NOW! Fully furnished ark with stellar amenities and waterfront views. Couples only at this time. Pets welcome!”

“MISSED CONNECTIONS: Looked down from my rooftop and spied you bathing. Taken aback by your bodacious bod. Will literally kill to get my hands on that physique if necessary. Please advise. — King D"

“GRAND RE-OPENING: Refurbished manger available for nightly rent. All traces of placental fluid have been removed — or your money back! BYOFAM (Bring Your Own Frankincense And Myrrh).”

“Need to be cleansed? Up-and-coming baptist offering discount baptisms by appointment only. — John the B”

“FOUND: Bouncing baby boy floating down Nile River in basket. Surprisingly unfettered. Appears strong enough to lead exodus of Israelites out of Egypt. God be praised!”

“MOVE IN TODAY: Spacious whale (3 bedrooms!!) available near Nineveh. Current tenant hoping to move out immediately. Needs respite from constant smell of krill.”

“STRICTLY PLATONIC: Savior, early thirties, seeks group of dudes for fun and fellowship. No doubters, no traitors, no masturbators! Ha, jk. Must be down to sup on the regular.”