Thank you for submitting your sharp object. While it is certainly sharp, and it drew blood on three of our editors, sharp objects are not selling these days. If you have anything in the realm of blunt objects, please feel free to submit them. Though we are historically not the best at forecasting (being cavemen), the Loud Thunder-Bang Gods have alerted us that blunt objects will make a strong impression in the fourth quarter, with an even more robust year to follow. If you are uncertain what type of blunt object to send, you might look around your cave for a medium-size rock. A nice medium-size rock serves perfectly well as a blunt object, and we’d be happy to take a look at it.
Thank you for sending your blunt object, which is well-formed and “heavy,” as the kids like to say. Unfortunately, the blunt-object/rock trend has passed. Wooden clubs are the best-sellers now. If you have any wooden clubs, we’d be happy to consider.
Thank you for sending what you call a “poem” etched into a stone tablet. While we can’t read or write, and while we have no idea what a “poem” is, we want to assure you that the time you spent on it is valid. In the meantime, please feel free to submit sharp objects, which are selling. Also, fire. (If you haven’t heard of fire, we suggest you do a little research. It’s hot!) You might be wondering how we are writing to you, as we cannot read or write. Actually, we are just scribbling on a stone tablet, making grunting noises as though we are doing something productive. Our boss likes to see us being busy until the next Big Idea hits. One day, someone will excavate this scribbling and interpret it to mean something, we are certain. We are very important cavemen.
Thank you for submitting your “wheel.” We are sorry to say that we cannot find a home for it at this time.
Thank you for submitting your “song.” Though we have no way of listening to it, rest assured the idea of it had many of our editors hopping around — at least until the boss showed up with his big wooden club and started swinging. Though your “song” will certainly find a home somewhere, we are sorry to say that it’s not the right fit here.
Thank you for sending along your “catapult.” We are sorry it has taken so long to respond, but we couldn’t figure it out, to be honest. Then, one of our editors, Mort-Ort, got the hang of it and used it to kill our boss. Things are in HR limbo right now. But back to your submission — “catapults” only work with big rocks. Further, rocks are making a comeback, as your invention makes clear. Do you have any big rocks you would like for us to consider? Who knows, with the right approach, you could be the next Big Rock Guy. We will await your next submission.
Thank you for submitting your “novel,” as you call it, about a caveboy wizard who fights an evil caveman wizard. We believe that plain candor is best in situations like this, and we’re sorry to say that — along with being unable to read this “novel” — it has absolutely no chance of selling. No one is buying caveboy wizards. We can’t ever foresee a time when the Loud Thunder-Bang Gods would recommend caveboy wizards. Finger paintings of animals we like to hunt? Something involving Kuk-Uk, the Goddess of Blunt Objects? A blunt object? These are the go-to standards. That, and fire. We’d be happy to consider submissions in these genres. Good luck with your “novel” about the caveboy wizard!
Thank you for submitting your “gun powder,” whatever it is. Unfortunately, our boss, Mort-Ort, tried to take a closer look, and after shining firelight on it we all heard a very loud BANG. We have since been unable to locate Mort-Ort or the “gun powder.” Therefore, we must pass at this time.
Thank you for sending us your “sushi,” with a note (which we couldn’t read) that this would soon become a popular culinary trend. While we are not in the market for “sushi,” it made for a nice lunch. Good luck placing it elsewhere!
Thank you for submitting to us your “movie script” about someone called “Ironman.” Though we did not read it, it sounds inventive! Do you happen to have any novels about caveboy wizards? We’re also in the market for spy thrillers, sappy southern trilogies, and epics based on monotheism. Or anything with fire or rocks. Best of luck with the “script”!
Thank you for sending to us your “podcast.” Unfortunately, we have no way of opening it, and so we are sorry to say that we must reject it. Also, just being honest here: You’re gonna need a lot more followers.