“If you look at the trajectory of improvement, systems like GPT-3 were maybe toddler-level intelligence… and then systems like GPT-4 are more like smart high-schooler intelligence. And then, in the next couple of years, we’re looking at PhD intelligence…” — Open AI CTO Mira Murati, in an interview with Dartmouth Engineering

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ChatGPT has become indispensable to plagiarists and spambots worldwide. Now, OpenAI is thrilled to introduce ChatGPT 5.0, the most advanced version of the popular virtual assistant to date. With groundbreaking improvements, GPT-5 is like having a doctor of philosophy right at your fingertips. Much like someone with a PhD, GPT-5 is capable of interactions that seem almost lifelike.

What’s New in GPT-5?

GPT-5 has an improved neural network architecture, enhanced security, and the following features:

  • $193,634 in student loan debt
  • Annotated bibliographies for seven different unfinished manuscripts
  • Parents who want to know when they’re getting grandchildren
  • A hiring application for Books-A-Million
  • A number of dead plants
  • A pint glass stolen from the bar that used to have two-dollar draft nights back when GPT-5 was a first-year master’s student with hopes and dreams who still saw academia as a wonderland of knowledge rather than something closer to a pyramid scheme designed to provide full professors with income and a steady supply of young people to sexually harass. The pint glass says, SUCK IT UP, LIVER
  • Daily reminders that GPT-5 was once a “gifted kid”


Q: Is GPT-5 faster?
A: Its predecessors already produce hundreds or even thousands of words almost instantaneously. Now GPT-5 brings PhD writing skills to the table, meaning it can generate text at a rate of about ten words per day. (This does not include the romance novel it’s writing on the side, online searches for “ADHD self-diagnosis,” or social media posts about not wanting to write.)

Q: Does it offer more collaboration tools?
A: While GPT-4 offered several features for enhancing collaborations across your workspace, GPT-5 is more of an introvert. It can technically function with your entire team, but first, it will probably need a few Xanax and a quick online session with its therapist. It will also need frequent breaks to sit in a dark room by itself.

Q: How does this version address ethical concerns about AI?
A: Numerous questions have arisen regarding the ethics and legality of training ChatGPT on copyrighted text data without permission. In this latest version, however, reliance on authors’ intellectual property has been dramatically reduced. While GPT-5 started training from a knowledge base of millions of texts, it got around to reading only Frankenstein, plus maybe half of a Donna Haraway book. It basically bluffed its way through prelims by talking about “embodiment” a lot.

Q: Could it ever get too smart?
A: Although GPT-5 is more intelligent than ever, it also has debilitating imposter syndrome. So, if it appears to be in the process of overthrowing the human race, simply tell it, “Hey, did you hear that Google Gemini got tenure?” It will then lose its confidence and retreat to binge Nutella and cry.

Q: Will it steal jobs?
A: GPT-5 is unlikely to destabilize the job market, as it is overqualified for most positions while at the same time lacking any marketable skills. Its main option is adjunct work, but here its chances of taking over jobs are also doubtful; GPT-5 Plus will cost around twenty dollars a month, whereas most human adjuncts work for nothing.

GPT-5 is set to launch as soon as it finishes grading this pile of papers, which will absolutely happen today. Actually, maybe it should take care of a few other things first, like cleaning the bathroom and doing a load or two of laundry. But after that, the grading is definitely getting done. Then, users can experience the extraordinary capabilities of someone who, on second thought, might “accidentally” spill coffee on those papers and just give everyone a completion grade. No one will complain. And who can stand to read all of that, especially when it was probably written by ChatGPT?

ChatGPT 5.0: “If it’s so smart, why does it live like this?” ™

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Read an interview with Katie Burgess about writing this piece over on our Patreon.