Life can be pretty smelly sometimes. And that’s totally normal, so don’t worry. Our company is here to save you with products that will cover up your stench. We all know that traditional deodorant goes on your armpits. But other parts of your body smell, too. Obviously, we don’t like to talk about or even think about those body parts because they are humiliating.

You probably thought you had to do things like shower to stay smelling fresh. Wow, you are smelly and dumb. Because all you need is our new hero product, whole-body deodorant. Finally—deodorant for your entire disgusting body. That’s right. It’s time to start spraying chemicals directly onto your genitals.

Let’s get down to the facts. Four out of five doctors think that you’re repulsive. Just generally. So get to spritzin’, you nasty little freak. What does your elbow smell like right now? It can’t be good. Deodorize all your joints while you’re at it. Your coworkers have been too afraid to bring up your knee odor. Don’t make them suffer any longer.

And don’t forget to spray our new whole-body deodorant right into your eyeballs. No doctor recommends this, but how embarrassing would it be to have eyeball stank? If you don’t believe us, ask someone you trust to smell your eyes. We’ll wait.

Do you have bad breath? It’s probably because you forgot to spray deodorant into your mouth. Or just eat the deodorant. Go ahead. What’s the worst that could happen? Your intestines smell like sandalwood vanilla?

And let’s be real. Your personality isn’t so fresh, is it? Remember to spray whole-body deodorant into your ears and nose until it seeps into your brain. If you feel a numbing sensation, it’s working.

Take our whole-body deodorant with you wherever you go. Spray it at other people who smell bad. Heck, spray it at people who smell just fine, but you hate them and feel they deserve to get sprayed. There is nothing more important than smelling fresh. If anyone in your life stands in the way of smelling fresh, you should spray them heartily with a can of our whole-body deodorant until they scream or run away.

Just kidding. They won’t scream or run away, because the deodorant smells amazing. They’ll be asking you to spray them harder. Not only does our deodorant eliminate odor-causing bacteria from every inch of your body, but it also comes in six incredible scents. Some of the scents sound good, like Fresh Mountain Pine, and some are confusing, like Caramel Popcorn Gummy Bear.

Our specially formulated deodorant is so potent it can spray through space and time. And while it was deodorizing both space and time (two things that smell awful), it also revealed, once and for all, that we live in a simulation. This was an unintended side effect of the whole-body deodorant. As a company that cares deeply about freshness, we were horrified to discover that the sick fuck who created this simulation would program body odor into our lives.

You’re probably still processing the fact that your existence is a brain in a jar. But guess what? The synthetic spinal fluid your brain floats in does not smell so fresh. In fact, it smells so rank that the Brain Keeper, who has to periodically open the jars for maintenance, finds the smell to be the worst part of his job. That’s why we are excited to announce our brand-new Brain Jar Deodorant.