Thanks for joining us here tonight, Pooh. Rabbit, Eeyore, Owl, Tigger, Piglet, Kanga, Roo, and I thought it best that we all have a little discussion about some recent signs of addictive behavior that you’ve displayed. Now, we’ve tried to create an environment in which we can all speak openly, and I want to start things off by making it clear that this is not an attack—

What? No. There isn’t any honey here. Stop that—THERE’S NO HONEY. Tigger, can you grab his paws? Just get them behind his—yeah, just like that. Thanks. Try to remember that this is a positive confrontation, Pooh, not a fight. We’ve provided some non-habit-forming alternatives to the substance in question—perhaps you would like a glass of water, or a stick of spearmint gum? How does that sound—do you want some spearmint gum?

No? OK. Let’s keep this moving, then. I’ve gathered some materials detailing the symptoms of substance abuse, which I thought we might go over together. Preoccupation with drug: spending a lot of time getting, using, and recovering from the substance. Does that sound like you, Pooh? Is it not true that you are very preoccupied with honey?

Here’s another one. Giving up/reducing other activities. The user may begin spending less time on previously enjoyed activities, such as hobbies, sports, and socializing, in order to use. Do you remember the blustery day, Pooh, upon which you skipped the party to “stay home and eat and eat and eat,” if I may quote you?

And here’s one more: Significant weight gain or change in body composition. This is hard for me, Pooh—try to remember that we are not judging you!—but we can make the most progress tonight if we ground our discussion in specific instances of destructive behavior. Hence, I must remind you of the time that you polished off an extraordinary amount of Rabbit’s honey and accordingly became stuck when trying to exit his residence. No, I’m not sure I can accept that as a case of a door being too small. The rest of us fit through it with very little trouble. Well, yeah, except for Eeyore. Eeyore’s always had those meaty thighs.

What was that? When you mutter like that, Pooh, we can’t have a productive discourse about the situation. What are you—what? Well. OK. You’re lashing out, Pooh, and that’s normal, part of the healing process. But I would like to make the point that I am not a “candy ass.” Nor am I a “fairy boy.” Thank you, Piglet, I do think that this shirt emphasizes my pectorals. Protein shakes, yeah. Yep, just dump the whey powder right into the blender.

No, Pooh, I’ve already told you—there’s no honey here. In fact, I did exactly what the pamphlet said to do—I flushed it down the toilet. Really. I did. Yep.

Pooh, what are you—Owl, could you get a handle on him? I read about this in the literature: sometimes the desire for a given substance can cause addicts to commit rash acts that they wouldn’t normally—POOH, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THAT TOILET.





Oh, dear.