The Book Jacket Jacket

You get good reviews, don’t you? Of course you do. But you’ve been without a proper platform to share them for basically your whole life and career. Problem solved, with this elegant, custom-embroidered blazer inspired by the archaic marketing practices of the dead industry of print publishing. Because you can’t wear your LinkedIn or your Facebook or whatever.

The Hood-zzz

For sleepy hackers. Just pull the drawstring and the whole hood inflates, surrounding and immobilizing your head right where you sit at your computer. Because screw beds, am I right? Combination Hood-zzz and camelback and colostomy bag available, because screw water fountains and toilets, too.

The High-Five Friendship Bracelet

These matching friendship bracelets’ powerful magnets guide your wrist and palm smack into your bestie’s every time. So satisfying you might have to high-five again, to celebrate. And again. And again. And again, until your palms are worn down to cold brittle palm-bone. Stay away from friends with metal pants-flies.

The Pants Horn

If you’re anything like me, your underwear always bunches whenever you pull up your pants and it kind of gives you a wedgie. Adapted from age-old shoe horn technology, the pants horn will bring badly needed comfort to your life and your butt area. Far better than the family claw hammer or whatever else you’ve been using.

Transparent Socks

Wearing socks with sandals is a huge faux pas, but so are nasty-smelling bare feet. These two conflicting taboos have left us all in a weird spot, podiatrically/sartorially, for probably centuries—until we developed socks you actually can’t see. We’ll just let you think about how cosmos-altering this is on your own terms. Take a minute. Though you should try to stop before you start to consider the logical next step here. (Transparent underwear.)

Gator-Skin Crocs

This pair of hideous and expensive shoes offer an unmatched combination of luxury, leisure to the driving moccasin and topsider set—to those upper crusties who would never wear a regular Croc but who can’t turn up their noses at fine reptile leather-bound footwear inspired by a smarmy little pun. Gator-skin Crocs may look hideous, but rich people will definitely buy them. Rich people are so great like that. Comes in one color (White).

Mattress Pants

Sometimes you get home from work and you’re too beat to brush your durn teeth, let alone find a bed somewhere. Screw beds, anyway! Pull the drawstring on your mattress pants and a whole durn bed’s worth of inflatable bed drops out of a trapdoor on your backside. A fun gift for that friend of yours who’s narcoleptic, or for fans of stair-sledding, or for are narcoleptic fans of stair-sledding. The world is large, people. Those narcoleptic stair-sledding guys are out there and these are exactly the pants for them.

Three-legged Pants

Rich people are great, but pants are great, too, especially to hide people’s transparent underwear when transparent underwear starts happening. This pair comes with a third pant leg hiding a prosthetic kickstand, allowing you to lean comfortably regardless of wall or furniture proximity. Leaning’s great, too.

The Clip-On Belt

Want the fashion but not the functionality? Done. No belt loops on your sweatpants? No sweat! Get it. No sweat.

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Illustrated by Simone Hasselmo. Ideas by Charlie Stockman, Chuck Armstrong, Neil Mukhopadhyay, Doug Kenter, Leo Shvedsky, Josh Stark, Keifer Katovich, and Allan Phillips.