Congrats to the Top 1% who have waited so long, tirelessly and unendurably funneling millions of dollars into Republican Super PACs, to make this day a reality. Your struggle has not been in vain, my friends. You have achieved your dreams through hard work, lobbyists, Super PACs, donations, threats, and lining Republican pockets.
Kudos as well to all my friends, who have really been corporations this whole time. You knew that the money you saved in untaxable off-shore accounts was not enough. You knew there was more you could have. You knew you deserved to pay less than regular people while still not paying a livable wage to many of your employees. Walmart, we salute you. Amazon, you beautiful bastard, you did it!
But most of all, congrats to those fearless #MAGA lovers. You showed up to rallies, you purchased overly expensive red caps, you cried and cheered and hated immigrants, all for achieving your ultimate goal — tax cuts for rich people.
The road has not been easy. You have met struggle, you have faced hardship, but you persevered. Through moral reasoning, ignoring blatant sexual assault, mocking disabled people, and destroying libtards, your friends no longer need to worry about having their private jet usage taxed. You did that and you should be damned proud. You knew the 1% needed 83% of the tax cuts and you weren’t afraid to get it done.
You exposed the greed and corruption of American teachers who wanted to write off tax deductions for supplies they bought with their own money. You stood up to them and said, “Not today, Mrs. Alvarez. Not today.”
Go ahead and cry those tears, you deserve it. It’s thanks to you, your wall-building chants, your thumbs up to the Republican party, your courageous votes, that Wall Street bro will be able to buy that new beach house. He was afraid he was going to have to rent.
But most of all congrats to the Republican party, despite staunch opposition you weren’t afraid to create huge tax cuts for your donors and the Top 1%. You had no fear to do what was right, even if it was going to line your own pockets in the process. You stood up to the Democrats, to the middle class, to those poor kids who need health insurance, and you didn’t back down. Your bravery will not be forgotten.
Congrats, my brothers in arms, you did it. You weren’t afraid to look America in the eye, to point your finger at Lady Liberty and say, “The rich need more money.” Your sacrifice for your country will not be forgotten, you true American heroes.