Hurray! You’re eating for two!1

Eat every two hours and consume 75g of protein every day.

Meat is a great source of protein.2

Make sure you consume ample folates.3

Don’t consume raw eggs—or Cadbury eggs with that gooey white-ish yellow-ish stuff in the middle.

Avoid all alcohol and cigarettes.4

Constipation is a common symptom during pregnancy.5

Get your Omega 3s! Leafy greens, walnuts, and fish are all great sources.6

Avoid hot tubs, hot baths, and Bikram yoga, just to be safe.7


Avoid subways, sidewalks, and cars, since these three things are responsible for most transportation-related accidents.

Enjoy sex with your partner.10

Peppermint, rose, and lavender oils can be excellent alternatives to allopathic medicines for soothing your nerves during pregnancy!11

Scrutinize every activity, neighbor’s pet, atomic particle, and conversation with your mother for potential harm to your unborn miracle.

Above all, relax! Enjoy your pregnancy! This will be the happiest time of your life.12

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1 Actually, you’re only eating for 1.085. Take in no more than an extra 200 calories per day.

2 Avoid meat.

3 Too many folates can harm your baby.

4 Unless you’re European, in which case, limit yourself to three bottles of Sauvignon Blanc and a pack per week.

5 Do not take colonics or laxatives of any sort. Try pushing. You will need that skill for labor.

6 Avoid sushi—salmon, tuna, yellowfin, shark, or any other fish with high mercury content.

7 Your baths must be 83.1 degrees F, precisely.8

8 Avoid thermometers.

9 But not too much.

10 Gross.

11 Peppermint oil, rose oil, and lavender oil may cause miscarriage.