Well, it’s that time of year again! I am talking about Thanksgiving. You are probably seeing a lot of articles about what a turkey is and how to cook it. “Wow,” you might be saying to yourself, “cooking a Thanksgiving turkey sounds hard and complicated and probably should be left to master chefs only!” Well, I say “Boo!” to that. Not “Boo!” like a ghost would say, I’m saying “Boo!” like I disagree that cooking Thanksgiving dinner is hard. It is, literally, the easiest thing in the world. All you have to do is follow my instructions, use your intuition and go with the flow. Next thing you know, your guests will be saying “Yay!” and not “Boo!” — except for maybe that one friend of yours who always comes to Thanksgiving dinner dressed as a ghost and then says, “Boo!” all the time. I’m looking at you, Geraldine! So, here is how to do it…
Wendy’s Easy Turkey Recipe
1. Go down to the grocery store, the one where you are still allowed to shop. Select and pay for the turkey of your choice. You can try to get away with not paying for it by putting it in your shirt and then sashaying out the door like a goddamned princess, but if the turkey falls out right when you are passing the security guard, he may or may not believe that you had a frozen turkey baby right then and that that makes sense because your mom was a turkey and it skips generations. I know that putting a turkey up your shirt and sashaying sounds like the absolutely perfect plan but let’s just say that things can and do go wrong with plans like that so just take that under consideration and then proceed.
2. Once you get the turkey home and you have had a few drinks of water or wine or whatever — honestly, there’s nothing wrong with Nyquil in moderation — it’s time to get that turkey a-cooking. And if, like me, you are terrified of your oven and you think maybe you left a casserole in there a long time ago when you thought you had a date, then it will be a huge relief to know you don’t have to use it at all. In fact, turn right now and scream at your stove, “You can’t control me!” Now we’re gettin’ in that Thanksgiving mood! Go to your medicine cabinet and look for some tanning oil — not sunscreen because that might slow down the turkey cooking — but that good ol’ fashioned stuff from the ‘80s that helped you tan faster. Slather the tanning oil liberally on the raw, now semi-frozen turkey. It’s probably smelling great already!
3. Take the turkey outside behind the carport. Important: Do not let Steve in apartment #7 see you doing this. He gets really mad and calls the police, and even though putting a raw turkey on the hood of someone’s vehicle to cook is not really against any law, it’s gonna cut into your day if the cops show up because it will be kind of hard to explain to a police officer what you are up to no matter how much Nyquil you’ve had. Okay, now, place the turkey on the hood of Steve’s car in that spot with great sun exposure.
4. The actual cooking is going to take three to four days, so it’s really important to verify that Steve has already flown to his mom’s house in Kansas City for the whole week. You can do this by casually pounding on Steve’s door at various intervals and saying stuff like, “Are you there, Steve?!” and “What about that date we were supposed to have that one time!?” and “Boo!” Yes, go ahead and say “Boo!” I know that’s Geraldine’s thing but honestly why should she have all the fun?
5. While you are waiting for the turkey to slowly cook in the sun (AKA God’s oven) for three or four days (just taste it every few hours to see how it’s doing), why not whip up some fun sides? Do you want to make some stuffing? Well, the key word to stuffing is “stuff.” So, just look around your apartment for some “stuff” you aren’t using, like receipts, Beanie Babies, hand soap, and all of Steve’s mail. Mix it in a bowl and then go outside and put it in the turkey. Don’t worry if it cooks as long as the turkey or not because none of that is food anyway. You know what is fine if you run out of Nyquil? Benadryl. And did you ever notice that chips are delicious and that you know where Steve’s hide-a-key is?
6. Here are some other sides you can make while you are waiting for the turkey to cook and watching TV at Steve’s. Mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, green beans, baked beans, yams, hams, clams, and jams. Make what ever you want. I can’t control you! You can’t control anyone in this life, least of all Steve.
7. Check the turkey. If it feels like your friends are coming over soon, maybe a way to get that turkey cooking faster is to drive around town in Steve’s car, that way the turkey is getting heated by the sun and by the engine. It will be done in no time probably.
9. See? It’s fun.
10. Notice that at this point you are most of the way to Kansas City, the turkey is cooking nicely, and you might as well push on through. A lot of people think it is too far to drive from Los Angeles to Kansas City, but it’s really not that bad.
11. It’s amazing that the NyQuil isn’t even really making you tired anymore. You feel powerful and amazing. You cooked a turkey! This must be how Geraldine feels, with all her ghost antics!
12. Stop in at the Bed Bath & Beyond near Steve’s mom’s house for a white sheet. Cut eyeholes in it. Baste.
13. By the time you get to Steve mom’s house around midnight, your turkey should be nicely browned and have a terrific tanning oil/Beanie Baby smell. It’s snowing lightly and you just know Steve is in there living it up.
14. Slip the ghost costume over your head, making sure you can see through the eyeholes. Take the turkey off of Steve’s car hood and place it nicely in your hands. If you’ve cooked any sides, fill your pockets with them
15. Scoot on up to Steve’s mom’s front door. Ring the bell. Boy, wait ‘til Steve sees you dressed as a ghost holding a turkey stuffed with his wet mail. This date will be even better than the first one you never had!
16. Listen to the sound of footsteps approaching.