Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! I guess that’s social distancing for you. Good man, that scarecrow.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere! Sounds perfect. Can’t transmit the virus if there’s no air. I’d love a restaurant meal again.

I’ve never gone to a gun range before. But I decided to give it a shot! A shot. Huh. Like a vaccine, I guess. Imagine that.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying. But that’s a small price to pay for a steady job — like the one I had before all this happened. Son, I’m gonna need you to chip in on the bills from now on.

I know a lot of jokes about retired people — but none of them work! Which, you know, is maybe for the best. They’re in a high-risk category and offices are petri dishes. Wait — they’re not in a retirement home, are they?

Why did the math book look so sad? It had problems! Then again, who doesn’t nowadays? Know what, son? Fuck that book.

What did the photon say when asked if she needed to check a bag? ‘No thanks, I’m traveling light!’ Traveling? With a bag? How far was she going? Has everyone just lost their damn minds?

Why did the blind man fall into a well? Because he couldn’t see that well! Wow. Okay. I feel like I’m just hearing that for the first time, as I say it. Disabled people are especially vulnerable right now, and it’s a little disgusting it’s taken so many of us this long to think about how they live. I’m ashamed of myself.

I was going to tell a railway joke… but I lost my train of thought! That’s happening a lot lately. There’s so much to keep up with, and only so much I can take. The numbers, the new science, the global comparisons — I’ll be honest, we’re not looking great.

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with! Huh. That’s just sad. Say, did you know your mother and I met at a Halloween party forty years ago? Yeah. I was a bottle of mustard and she was ketchup. Son, I can’t even imagine ever doing Halloween without her. I just… can’t.

How do you look? With your eyes! And frankly, they’re all I should be seeing right now. You heard me: I don’t care that we’re indoors! Put on your damn mask.

Apparently, the graveyard is overcrowded. People must be dying to get in! In numbers we can’t imagine. In numbers that should soak us in sorrow. God. What happened to my country?