I: THE SHIRE
FRODO: Good to see you again, Gandalf. Though you do seem distracted.
LOCAVORE GANDALF: I’m confused by that booth selling “The Shire’s Best Beef." As we both know, for a Hobbit, no matter how hearty, to handle anything bigger than a pig—it must have been imported from Rohan, or even Gondor.
FRODO: Right. And last week, you rode a dragon through the Northern Wastes just to smoke a pipe on top of Firdas Mithrir.
LOCAVORE GANDALF: Indeed! It was quite bracing.
FRODO: Have you any idea of the carbon footprint of a dragon?
LOCAVORE GANDALF: I don’t see what that has to do with this.
II: SOUTH OF RIVENDELL
FRODO: So then Sam and I go running, fast as our legs can carry us, with our pockets stuffed full of potatoes and carrots and whatever else we can grab. Wouldn’t you know we had a right stew that night, ate so much we filled ourselves near to bursting—
MASTER-CLEANSE BOROMIR: Must you Hobbits always speak of food!
MASTER-CLEANSE BOROMIR: [pinches the bridge of his nose] I’m sorry. I just wish this headache would stop.
FRODO: Sure, sure. I understand.
MASTER-CLEANSE BOROMIR: Perhaps if I held that ring for just—
FRODO: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
III: THE MINES OF MORIA
GIMLI: Now, my friends, you shall know the meaning of Dwarvish hospitality! Malt beer, meat on the bone, cheese logs, bacon twisties—
VEGAN, STRAIGHT-EDGE ARAGORN: We should not have come to this place.
IV: FANGORN FOREST
PALEO MERRY: So no pork? But chicken and beef and mutton are all fine? It just seems antiquated, with everything we know about nutrition.
KOSHER PIPPIN: Antiquated? Yours is named after an ancient era!
PALEO MERRY: Sure, people were healthier, there was no heart disease, no obesity—
KOSHER PIPPIN: Yes, I’m sure they were right fit. I’m sure they were staying thin as Elf-kings, eating dead moths and wooly-oliphant fur. And they got plenty of exercise, with all those prehistoric beasties chasing them day and night.
PALEO MERRY: Fine, you have a point. But if it’s purely for health, why bring religion into it? You really think it’s necessary to follow each tenet, even after so many have been disproven? No matter the health benefits, you can’t possibly argue—
TREEBEARD: My young masters, I’m terribly sorry to interrupt, but do you see that great mountain, far over yonder, covered with beautiful, ancient trees?
MERRY and PIPPIN: Yes.
TREEBEARD: You do? Good, because if either of you says another word, I will kick you both riiiiiiiiight over it. Like two little footballs.
MERRY and PIPPIN: …
V: WEST OF THE BLACK GATE
GLUTEN-FREE FRODO: What have we got to eat?
SAMWISE: Lembas bread.
GLUTEN-FRE FRODO: Have we nothing else?
SAMWISE: And look! Something else!
GLUTEN-FREE FRODO: Oh, thank heavens!
SAMWISE: More lembas bread!
GLUTEN-FREE FRODO: You asshole.
VI: MORLAC’S BEASTORIUM, NURNBOG,
ORGANIC, NON-GMO RINGWRAITH: A Naazgul feasts upon the flesh of creatures that crawl, swim, and fly. His cry strikes fear into the hearts of all living things.
ORCISH CLERK: Mmm-hm.
ORGANIC, NON-GMO RINGWRAITH: [reading label] Magnesium Chelate. Tetrasodium Pyrophosphate. What abominations are these? Have you nothing made from elf-ear or man-heart?
ORCISH CLERK: Perhaps you could try our store in Osgiliath.
ORGANIC, NON-GMO RINGWRAITH: [glowers]
VII: THE CAVES OF GONDOR
FRODO: Do you want to know how Boromir died? He never ate anything! He just wasted away! It happened to him, and now it’s happening to you!
FRUCTARIAN FARAMIR: Take him to the holding cells! I think we have some elvenberry mash and nastirtium crisps in the pantry. See that he eats them, and see that he enjoys them.
VIII: THE DEAD MARSHES
GOLLUM: What’s ‘potatoes’?
VEGAN, DUMPSTER-DIVING SAMWISE: Potatoes? PO-TA-TOES? The only thing I eat, apart from wilted cabbage leaves? Dried-up, mealy potatoes, while everyone else has chicken pie and cheese logs and bacon twisties—
GOLLUM: Never mindses.
IX: THE FOOT OF BARAD-DUR
VEGETARIAN, ORGANIC, SODIUM-FREE SMEAGOL: My… [reaches into FRODO’s shirt, pulls out a packet of bacon]
GOLLUM: … preciousss.